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So you “want to take America back”? Really? Fuck you tea party folks, you had your chance and fucked the country up with your blind support for people who espouse a narrow shallow money oriented “christian” ethic. Fuck you.

We had eight years of
Bush and Cheney, but now you get mad!
You didn’t get mad when
the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a
President.You didn’t get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy.You didn’t get mad when a covert CIA operative got ousted.
You didn’t get mad when
the Patriot Act got passed..

You didn’t get mad when
we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.

You didn’t get mad when
we spent over 600 billion(and counting) on said illegal war.

You didn’t get mad when
over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq.

You didn’t get mad when
you found out we were torturing people.

You didn’t get mad when
the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.

You didn’t get mad when
we didn’t catch Bin Laden.

You didn’t get mad when
you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

You didn’t get mad when
we let a major US city drown.

You didn’t get mad when
we gave a 900 billion tax break to the rich.

You didn’t get mad
when, using reconciliation; a trillion dollars of our tax dollars were redirected to insurance companies for Medicare Advantage which cost over 20 percent more for basically the same services that Medicare provides.

You didn’t get mad when
the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark, and our debt hit the thirteen trillion dollar mark.

You finally got mad
when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all okay with you, but helping other Americans… oh hell no.

AND NOW YOU’RE MAD?!

When you can actually act like grownups instead of screaming harpies that just protest without offering a balanced opinion (saying no to obama when all you do is regurgitate talking points from fox news does not an opinion make)

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about how my life needed a massive shift to align better with who I used to be and at my core really am. Last night while enjoying some breakfast with a friend I jokingly said that the way my life has changed so much in the last week plus my insomnia made me feel a bit like maybe I wasn’t me anymore. My own Tyler Durden moment (I do so love shopping at Ikea too) Maybe my subconscious had stepped in and started making sure that I better embraced my own needs a bit more. Who knows just typing this makes me feel a. pretentious and b. slightly insane but then I suppose maybe that’s exactly the sort of me shaped object I am.

What’s really interesting is realizing more and more that in order for me to be truly happy I need to embrace the person I was from age 19-22 much, much more.  I lived life in many ways like a hippy or beatnik. I worked when I needed money, I slept if I needed to but above all I never compromised my own values or ethics while at the same time keeping to my promise to always be equally mutually beneficial to any interactions I had. I forgot that along the way and that imbalance contributed to a lot of hurt to a lot of people who didn’t deserve it including myself. The adage “be true to yourself” means accepting the flaws inherent to who you are too.

I’m by no means glossing over my own immaturities throughout my life but there is a certain raw natural instinct that guides us at that age before the outside world forces us to change to be a better fit in society. The real question then is how useful is society if it requires that we not be ourselves (obvious nonharmful to others qualifier). So much of our society is about making a better you with stuff and lesser so on excelling on being ourselves.Why can’t we instead work towards promoting a better species instead of just being a vast network of interdependent snake oil salesmen.

So who is this new me? Or rather what is the “me” that has returned? That’s really an observational thing so find me somewhere at any of my favorite Portland haunts and see for yourself :D

Welcome back to the Great Portland Experiment. Here’s experiment number 2. What are the 5 songs that sum up who you feel you are inside. The songs that tend to resonate with you or lyrically accompany your life. Pretty short sweet and to the point yes? If you’ve got no clue what I’m blathering about then here ya go a link back to the original post about the Great Portland Interview Experiment (or for those twitter lovin’ hashtaggers TGPIE (mmmm tg pie)).

Mine are currently:

1. All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix: That song originally a tune by Bob Dylan is completely and totally owned by Hendrix (he plays almost every guitar part in the song). Great taken to the level of perfection. This coupled with the fact the lyrics always really resonated with me (and slightly reminds me of Stephen King’s Dark Tower somehow).

2. White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane: A fantastic melodic & percussive rhythm perfectly crafted to hit you like a one, two punch of awesome in perfect compliment to Grace Slick’s perfect delivery and the impact her amazing voice has.

3. If I ever leave this world alive by Flogging Molly: This song didn’t make much sense to me personally until I fell in love and became a parent. So melancholy yet at the same time so hopeful and optimistic, the song has become even more something I find myself humming or singing in the shower or while puttering around handling errands.

4. Someone by Ascension: One of the best dance tracks ever recorded and brilliantly mixed by Paul Oakenfold this song has great music but above all the simple statements in the lyrics (very simple) have tremendous impact. When writing my marriage vows this song, this simple little song inspired me because it was one of “our” songs and the lyrics were and still to my heart are exactly true of how I feel about her.

5. Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty: One of the earliest songs I remember hearing and also responsible for the huge popularity of the saxophone throughout the early ’80s. The bittersweet quality of the lyrics always tend to really hit me the most right when I need them to.

So that’s my list and as always to participate all you need to do is comment. The let me know and I’ll post a link back to your blog the same way I did for the first experiment.

Ever find yourself in a hole you dug yourself and think, “self, how did I get in this hole?”. If so you’re not doing it right, what you should be thinking is how to get out of the hole and how to avoid falling in any more (or digging your own since that is even more vastly stupid). Obviously that must be it since you’re in the bottom of a hole, the faintest gimpse of light above beckoning you to get your life back on track.
Sounds plausible right? Wrong. Truthfully the important thing is to learn from your past and to use that knowledge and awareness as strength to make sure that you can handle falling into or digging these holes. We’re human, flawed, & imperfect creatures and the best we can strive for everyday is to be good people. We’ll make mistakes, hurt others, hurt ourselves, not intentionally but through our actions and inactions. all we can do is rely in ourselves to learn, and improve. I’m doing that now and I hope all of you are too.

The good news is once you’ve found the knowledge it does get easier, not instantly but every moment it eases fractionally. The situations (yes plural) I’m in right now all seem to be at root the same issue, ultimately that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that each situation has a lesson to be learned. Some of them are painful lessons, some are sad lessons but really they’re all good lessons so long as I take something away from the situation. What’s even better is the very act of trying to dig yourself out of a hole the right way means you get more lessons and even better a greater understanding of how to be a good person. All you need to do is hold onto that inner strength and your faith in yourself and God and there’s pretty much no hole you can’t escape. It’ll just take time, belief and above all the strength to fall back from time to time. Throughout all of this I’ve discovered far deeper reserves of strength then I knew I had, now I know that I can withstand far more pain & hurt than I even thought possible. That strength has stripped away most of the fear, anger and depression that had been clouding my mind and leading me  into far more holes than needed.

Namaste :D

So it’s not a big secret that I’ve always harbored a love of Volkswagen busses. I especially like the Westfalia campers. Recently I needed to get a new car to drive every day, so I started earnestly looking for a good reliable vehicle that I could also work on myself as well as treat as a project car. Thanks to my new friend Triana found on Craigslist, I am now the proud owner of a 1973 VW Riviera camper bus :D

Riviera’s at first glance look quite a bit like a Westfalia however the fiberglass poptop functions quite differently. Produced by Riviera Motors (right here in the Portland Metro area) via the excellent work of ASI the campers are unique and vary quite a bit over the years. However this post isn’t about all those other Rivi’s. This post is about my Susie. She’s not in perfect shape currently but I’m working on that in what spare time I do have (beats video games or tv any day of the week).

So Saturday I called on 6 different busses and the only person that answered was Triana a nice woman who loved Susie but had to part with her (interestingly enough due to very similar circumstances to Zoe & I) and a meeting was setup for me to come take a look at her. I grabbed a ride from my friend Chris and made the 25 mile trek in what seemed like years of travel time. Pulling into the driveway I was immediately in love. Clean lines, very little rust and that simple understated beauty that the VW bus design had..

Anyhow my current worklist for her is:

• Get the heater repaired (it’s a bit cold driving her without heat).
• Rebuild the engine.
• Strip and replace all of the seals on doors and windows.
• Repair and refinish the fiberglass poptop to the correct shininess
• Replace the canvas on the poptop (it’s 36 years old after all).
• Repair the spots where there is rust damage (windshield area).
• Strip and paint her a different color (most likely “Sumatra Green” which was an actual color from back in the day, though I might go with “element hoody green” as well depending ;) Regardless will also be doing some pinstriping using a tribal frog logo I’ve been working on for a few years for this precise sort of project.
• Full rewiring of all interior features
• Install a tachometer
• Replace the upholstery and refinish the entire interior (carpeting, curtains, paneling, kickpanels).
• Soundproof and insulate the entire interior
• Find and/or build interior cabinets for a 73 Riviera or Westfalia (haven’t really decided yet which I’d prefer).
• Get a new stereo for her
• Replace the door locks
• Replace the original seat belts with 3 point spooled belts.

Yeah that’s a pretty hefty list off the top of my head and there’s probably a lot more she needs. She’s a big project but she deserves it and more importantly I do too. It’s a task that doesn’t involve shortcuts or intangible results the way the majority of my computer related hobbies do. I’m already planning on buying a non camper bus to use for parts though would probably start with it being my daily driver while I strip Susie bare to paint/seal the interior and exterior. All in all while I love the idea of putting her back to factory original look so I can show her off at autoshows and VW meetups I think I’m going to focus on a 80% factory original 20% updated look for her.

Anyways since I promised some folks over on various sites that I’d do the mugshot style pictures of her during each step of the restoration process here are the first “raw” pics of her before I have done anything. My goal is to have the majority of the list crossed off by the time that next summer arrives. I want to take the family camping in her so badly. I also want to make sure that Susie is a good stable longterm investment since we’ve always had the goal of sending Zandr off to college in a bus. Is this that bus? I hope so :D

One of the strangest clues I wish I’d noticed earlier in the year was my lack of listening to music. Now it seems as I wake up fully, I’m constantly singing or rediscovering some of my favorite bands and songs. Even better is finding songs that actually spark new thoughts and new directions in my heart and soul…

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

We all await the answers to our hearts, to the questions in our souls. I used to think that the fear that the answer wouldn’t be what you want was the worst thing of all. Not at all I know now, quite to the contrary. The hardest part is waiting with baited breath, every cell anticipating, needing to know, needing that sense of resolution and knowing that no matter what there is no way to hurry it along, no way to have the solution, no way to resolve things without patience. Now that I know that it’s a lot easier to find the strength to just wait and focus on what it is that’s important: health, humility and above all being comfortable with lack of control :D

Thank you Beatles for pointing that stuff out to me :D

This weekend was a cathartic kismet roller coaster leading me to and fro inside and outside of my heart. Almost like an acid trip only of sobriety and understanding. If I didn’t know better I’d guess I dreamed all or most of it. all in all it keeps leading me back to what I somehow always knew to be true but even more bizarrely somehow forgot for awhile, I love my wife, my lady, my best friend, my confidant, my lover. I love you Zoe and I’ve been giving some thought to what you said to me the last time we spoke.

You’re absolutely right, there is no way we can go back to the early days of our relationship, our marriage….I don’t want that. It wasn’t stable or all that healthy. I want something more and you deserve something more. I want an incredible loving, passionate, respectful marriage with you. I love you with all my heart and am doing my best to leave you alone right now even though all of me wants to fight for your heart. I understand now that talking isn’t the way to fix us. Me fixing our finances, budget, my attitude and my anger is what it will take to do so. I am fixing all of that as well as I can and just hope it is enough for you.

Namaste!

To all of the new friends I made this week and to those friends that have been my guides through the wilderness I’ve travelled heart and soul through the last 30 days I thank you from the bottom of my heart and appreciate the clarity, growth, acceptance and above all understanding you’ve given me.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had the strength to think or type anything of import. Day after day I’m left reeling by the realizations of what I’ve done, what I’ve lost and why. Some may say my transgressions are minor and that they are not something to get this worked up about. They’re wrong. I sacrificed the happiness of my family without their regard. I made decisions affecting the happiness and potential of those that matter most to me in the name of success. Success isn’t something you can make, it’s something you earn. Earned by the fires of self sacrifice and doing what is right for those around you.

I am not entirely blameless in the situation, an ugly disease called depression struck a silent sneaking blow to who I am, who I had been to my family and how I wanted to be. I can’t take that back, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made or ignore them. While I may not have noticed the depths of despair and fear in my heart over the last 15 months due to the illness, I am still responsible. I hurt my family in subtle yet massively painful ways.

My goal since October 12th 2005 has always been to do right by Zoe, and to truly love her without condition. When Zandr was born I felt the same for him, and the same with Mikey. Sadly due to fear of failing them and an inability to cast away self doubt I let myself spiral ever downward into a place where I could no longer feel anything but anger, sadness and despair. The worst part is I couldn’t see it even at the end. It took me losing everything important to me to wake me up from the horror I’d become. That whole time is there replaying in my head fuzzily. It’s like I was in the backseat of my own brain wanting desperately to scream but I had no voice, no ability to reason with myself. My heart knew the truth, that Zoe, Zandr & Mikey had captured my heart and soul from the moment I met them, but I could not think it or know it any longer.

Depression is an evil evil disease that can cause good people to do bad things or at the very least make them incapable of making the right choices. Even now that I’m a few weeks into treatment for it and am finally painfully aware of how bad I became, I can still feel it probing at my heart looking for a way to once more take the reins and lead me back down. I’m crawling out of the hole finally. It sadly is something that has to be done alone. Only I can find the path back to unity of my heart and soul, I have guides in the form of therapists, counselors & medication but the act of healing comes from within. I do want to thank the people who have given me advice & have spent time with me to ease the burden weighing me down though. Each moment is different and some are almost unbearable. I disagree with some of the things they’ve said but the feeling of support makes me still listen.

Every day has been a struggle, at night I fight back against the pain of loneliness in my empty house. The feelings of home and happiness now just a memory. I don’t know how to make amends to those three amazing people who inspired me to be a better man. I’m sorry I failed to realize their hopes for me. I took in their love and cast back sullen sadness no matter how much I wanted to rejoice with them in the amazing journey of life. I turned my back on my best friend, lover and wife. I turned my back on our two amazing joyful sons. Instead I let fear, doubt, distrust & anger rule me. Did they do anything to deserve this? No, instead they bore the brunt of my issues and yet still tried to support me and to help me. That my friends is what love is. Doing what is required of you for the betterment of each other and sacrificing for happiness. I used to know that and knew it intrinsically with every cell in my body and every facet of my soul. Depression took that knowledge and locked it away for a long terrible dark time.

I will not let myself fall back into the pit of despair, I have found once more that which makes me a good man. I have forgiven myself for I knew not what I did. I can not forget for I will bear the scars for the treatment I gave my loved ones till the end of my days. I will not forget there is a higher power who can give strength and help to those who ask for it. I will not ever let myself stop being the good person I know I am.