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So here I am in the dawning of yet another new chapter in my life. Once again cutting loose the bonds of employment in a small town a million miles from where my heart lies. While those words may draw you towards a conclusion it’s merely an overly flowery way of saying I’m returning to the land of my roots (not Ireland, but maybe eventually). No in my overly rambling wordy way I’m heading back to Portland. The land of roses, the city of bridges that made me who I am today.

While I’m nowhere close to perfect I think that the heady combination of 1990’s life, a few certain people (more on the “key individuals” later in this post) and a healthy embracing of the positive side of the legendary Chinese proverb “May you have an interesting life“) I came out pretty good. Although I tend to think a lifetime veracity for erring on the side of “oops that probably wasn’t the best thing I could have done” decision making coupled with a surprisingly strong sense of inner reflection and a moderate amount of regret is really the nuts and bolts at the heart of the overall “me-ness” that is who I am today. My only regret is that the number of pictures I have of these people being a part of my life is around 3 or 4 pics. I wish I had more than a heartful of memories for every one of them.

My priorities in life are currently being the best dad I can be no matter what, getting a better paying job and trying to be a good husband.

So now that we’re all caught up on my life let’s talk about a few of the folks who shaped me into me (not including parents, just people who chose to be my friend or teacher or more. These are the people that really drove me to be a better person inside and outside). I’m going to (out of respect to my friends leave this as opaque as I can via vague statements and using first initial only).

• A:

  Ok this one I’ll cheat and reveal who it is. Alexandr, spud, and the best word of all Son. I love you more every day. You make my heart swell with pride just thinking about you, your smile and hell half the time I talk, think or even look at you I tear up. You are the most amazing person the whole world has ever seen. Thank you so much for being my son. You’re the greatest.

• J:

  Thanks a million for everything in the past present and future. Whether it was roadtripping, oddball experiences or the occasional petty crime we always faced things with humor and above all irreverence. Who says you have to keep everything serious. Life is short.

• K:

  You taught me to recognize my mistakes but due to my inherent stubborn streak I waited far too long and at the time was too distracted to tell you what I thought of one of your choices.

• K2:

  You’ve been there through thick and thin and thick and thin. Occasionally giving me advice and occasionally taking advice. No matter what screwed up thing I did (your exg/f’s birthday party is one example..sorry) you were always there for me.

• L:

  Not really sure where to start with this one. I remember talking with W and J down at Pioneer Square on a warm May morning when I looked down the road and a football field away striding towards us walked the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. For those that know me I’m a very chatty person (although my writing style is fairly close to the way I talk) and I was struck totally silent by the person I saw. I’d say there was music and dancing and Angels playing from the Heavens but I didn’t and would not have noticed any of it, so struck was I by you. Turns out you and W knew each other and thereafter followed my getting to know you and vice versa. Over the next few years off and on you came in and out of my life and all that time I knew on some deeply rooted visceral level that I had more powerful feelings than I’d ever had for anyone then and now. It’s odd saying it finally but feels much better having gotten it out.

  To be honest I’ve always been the kind of person that will do what I can to make people happy even going so far as to stay in a relationship well after the expiration date. I don’t like hurting people and have had trouble in the past with lying and/or cheating. I know that was an immaturity I had and on some level couldn’t admit to myself or to you how much meeting you impacted me. By the time I finally realized it, it was too late.

  The really amusing part about this is that anytime I’ve destroyed a relationship (of which there have been far too many) I always wondered why. All of my friends and I do mean all of my friends (and even my mom oddly enough since I’d never admitted to her how I felt about you) would always say “oh is it so and so” and I never made the connection (yeah so I’m smart in the science and technical aspects but suck at the love). Oddly enough in my messed up life amongst the memories of you I know that the only truly, honest and noble selfless thing I’ve ever done in my life was for you. I don’t know if I ever told you the story or not but let’s just say that it was easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

  Suffice it to say I’m in a place now where if everything had gone “perfectly” and “according to some ineffable plan” then I’d be able to tell you now how I feel and the angels would play from the Heavens and the sun would shine and life would be fine if we all si…er I’m digressing and tangenting all over the place here. anyhow if there was some sort of cosmic purpose to life it would mean something how I feel about you. But due to those life choices (and I’m not saying they didn’t work out well enough) I can’t.

  At least I’m cognizant of the way I felt/feel and am truly being honest about it. There is so much more I can’t really put into words right now. Also if any of you know me then you obviously already know exactly who this person is and some of you probably think I’m an issue laden idiot that should have gotten over this years ago. I’ve tried to bury it to no good effect. I finally after far too many years really understand myself, life and all importantly my heart.

• Zoe:

  (Ok cheating again on this one)You rock. I met you at the end of a very dark period of my life and you accepted me for me. While we both don’t come without baggage you have shared your heart, given me faith and responsibility in whole new ways and that’s amazing to see. I get to share the joy of parenting with you and also this grand adventure of life. While it may seem like I don’t care about you enough in light of the person listed previously to you. I do love you and while some people might have issue competing with them, I’m with you now and will be as long as you’ll have me. Thank you so much for in many ways saving my life (not the breathing side of life but the joyous noise inducing fun called life! I started to live again when I met you and in some ways all of this gushing forth of wordiness I’m doing with this post is due in no small part to you.

Alrighty that was a fun romp and is by no means a full listing of every last person who impacted me. I’ve got enough folks left to get at least 2 more posts out and I will. Plus the places and times that affected me most are yet to come. In closing I’d like to finish off with a few lines from a poem I read today that is both beautiful and relevant to anyone out there with a wife, a friend, a girlfriend, a lover or someone that one moment or a string of moments were shared, embraced and experienced in ways both powerful and true and firmly rooted in the soul now and forever.

But to see her was to love her,
Love but her, and love forever.
Had we never lov’d sae kindly,
Had we never lov’d sae blindly,
Never met–or never parted–
We had ne’er been brokenhearted.

For Nature made her what she is,
And never made another.

Robert Burns, from Ae Fond Kiss

*dedicated to the person who first introduced me to real true love at a time I was immature and too cowardly to tell her how I felt and now these 13 years later when I finally can admit it to myself, it is all but too late. Happy Birthday and thanks for teaching me to play piano a little bit.

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