It’s been awhile since I’ve had the strength to think or type anything of import. Day after day I’m left reeling by the realizations of what I’ve done, what I’ve lost and why. Some may say my transgressions are minor and that they are not something to get this worked up about. They’re wrong. I sacrificed the happiness of my family without their regard. I made decisions affecting the happiness and potential of those that matter most to me in the name of success. Success isn’t something you can make, it’s something you earn. Earned by the fires of self sacrifice and doing what is right for those around you.
I am not entirely blameless in the situation, an ugly disease called depression struck a silent sneaking blow to who I am, who I had been to my family and how I wanted to be. I can’t take that back, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made or ignore them. While I may not have noticed the depths of despair and fear in my heart over the last 15 months due to the illness, I am still responsible. I hurt my family in subtle yet massively painful ways.
My goal since October 12th 2005 has always been to do right by Zoe, and to truly love her without condition. When Zandr was born I felt the same for him, and the same with Mikey. Sadly due to fear of failing them and an inability to cast away self doubt I let myself spiral ever downward into a place where I could no longer feel anything but anger, sadness and despair. The worst part is I couldn’t see it even at the end. It took me losing everything important to me to wake me up from the horror I’d become. That whole time is there replaying in my head fuzzily. It’s like I was in the backseat of my own brain wanting desperately to scream but I had no voice, no ability to reason with myself. My heart knew the truth, that Zoe, Zandr & Mikey had captured my heart and soul from the moment I met them, but I could not think it or know it any longer.
Depression is an evil evil disease that can cause good people to do bad things or at the very least make them incapable of making the right choices. Even now that I’m a few weeks into treatment for it and am finally painfully aware of how bad I became, I can still feel it probing at my heart looking for a way to once more take the reins and lead me back down. I’m crawling out of the hole finally. It sadly is something that has to be done alone. Only I can find the path back to unity of my heart and soul, I have guides in the form of therapists, counselors & medication but the act of healing comes from within. I do want to thank the people who have given me advice & have spent time with me to ease the burden weighing me down though. Each moment is different and some are almost unbearable. I disagree with some of the things they’ve said but the feeling of support makes me still listen.
Every day has been a struggle, at night I fight back against the pain of loneliness in my empty house. The feelings of home and happiness now just a memory. I don’t know how to make amends to those three amazing people who inspired me to be a better man. I’m sorry I failed to realize their hopes for me. I took in their love and cast back sullen sadness no matter how much I wanted to rejoice with them in the amazing journey of life. I turned my back on my best friend, lover and wife. I turned my back on our two amazing joyful sons. Instead I let fear, doubt, distrust & anger rule me. Did they do anything to deserve this? No, instead they bore the brunt of my issues and yet still tried to support me and to help me. That my friends is what love is. Doing what is required of you for the betterment of each other and sacrificing for happiness. I used to know that and knew it intrinsically with every cell in my body and every facet of my soul. Depression took that knowledge and locked it away for a long terrible dark time.
I will not let myself fall back into the pit of despair, I have found once more that which makes me a good man. I have forgiven myself for I knew not what I did. I can not forget for I will bear the scars for the treatment I gave my loved ones till the end of my days. I will not forget there is a higher power who can give strength and help to those who ask for it. I will not ever let myself stop being the good person I know I am.
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It’s good you recognized it. I went on anti-depressants about 4 years ago. After about 8-10 months, I began to feel whole. It was an amazing transformation and many addictions just fell away.
I told my doctor that if I’d been on SSRIs 20 years ago, I probably never would have become an alcoholic and a drug addict. Without looking up from his tablet PC, he said: “You won’t get an argument from me.”
It is so true – all those years I’d been self-medicating through drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, workaholism, TV, food… whatever.
This is a good path for you to be on Chris!
In many ways it feels good, I feel each day like parts of me are being used again for the first time in months. Like waking up with pins and needles in your arm or legs. The hardest part is knowing that in many ways I've lost everything that ever mattered to me. Having only memories remaining of the happiest times in my life is an exquisite agony but at the same time has been very important in helping me to continue the uphill path. The knowledge that I can be the person I was to experience so much joy and happiness keeps me going especially in the face of how I hurt those I care for.
In the last 3 weeks I've given up, smoking, alcohol, drugs, workaholism and red meat for the most part. Pretty amazing that I'm not really missing any of them. I also started sleeping almost regularly last night. Got all the way up to 6 hours without waking up.
Every day the path gets a little bit easier but I can still feel the immense weight trying to lure me back down. I will not..can not give in, not for myself nor for the chance to be a good father to my boys.
I love you Zandr! I love you Mikey! Daddy is getting better and better and misses you very much.
I've been reading your Twitter posts and the posts on this blog for a few weeks and I wanted to encourage you. There are coworkers, old friends, even ex-lovers who will never know the real me because they left before I could overcome my depression, fear, and anxiety. The path out can be long and almost as dark as being in the thick of it, but the world is a much brighter, friendlier place on the other side.
Thank you for your words of kindness and experience. I'm only a few weeks into working my way back to the real world rather than the one I've spent far too long in. You're right the path is dark and so much more unbearable without the depression hiding the truth anymore. I can still feel it but it was a dull ache compared to the razor sharp pain now.
I suggest opening up to those old friends, coworkers and ex-lovers about things you've done to them. I finally admitted something to an ex of mine that she'd known about for years. She'd made peace with it and my deciding to admit it finally took that weight off my shoulders. Forgiving yourself is a lot easier to do when other people forgive you for it. Telling the truth about things you've done is the best step one can take in forgiving yourself.
Right now all I can do is learn to trust in myself, love myself and to be the better person I know I am. That's all I have the ability to manage doing.