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Ever find yourself in a hole you dug yourself and think, “self, how did I get in this hole?”. If so you’re not doing it right, what you should be thinking is how to get out of the hole and how to avoid falling in any more (or digging your own since that is even more vastly stupid). Obviously that must be it since you’re in the bottom of a hole, the faintest gimpse of light above beckoning you to get your life back on track.
Sounds plausible right? Wrong. Truthfully the important thing is to learn from your past and to use that knowledge and awareness as strength to make sure that you can handle falling into or digging these holes. We’re human, flawed, & imperfect creatures and the best we can strive for everyday is to be good people. We’ll make mistakes, hurt others, hurt ourselves, not intentionally but through our actions and inactions. all we can do is rely in ourselves to learn, and improve. I’m doing that now and I hope all of you are too.

The good news is once you’ve found the knowledge it does get easier, not instantly but every moment it eases fractionally. The situations (yes plural) I’m in right now all seem to be at root the same issue, ultimately that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that each situation has a lesson to be learned. Some of them are painful lessons, some are sad lessons but really they’re all good lessons so long as I take something away from the situation. What’s even better is the very act of trying to dig yourself out of a hole the right way means you get more lessons and even better a greater understanding of how to be a good person. All you need to do is hold onto that inner strength and your faith in yourself and God and there’s pretty much no hole you can’t escape. It’ll just take time, belief and above all the strength to fall back from time to time. Throughout all of this I’ve discovered far deeper reserves of strength then I knew I had, now I know that I can withstand far more pain & hurt than I even thought possible. That strength has stripped away most of the fear, anger and depression that had been clouding my mind and leading me  into far more holes than needed.

Namaste :D

One of the strangest clues I wish I’d noticed earlier in the year was my lack of listening to music. Now it seems as I wake up fully, I’m constantly singing or rediscovering some of my favorite bands and songs. Even better is finding songs that actually spark new thoughts and new directions in my heart and soul…

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

We all await the answers to our hearts, to the questions in our souls. I used to think that the fear that the answer wouldn’t be what you want was the worst thing of all. Not at all I know now, quite to the contrary. The hardest part is waiting with baited breath, every cell anticipating, needing to know, needing that sense of resolution and knowing that no matter what there is no way to hurry it along, no way to have the solution, no way to resolve things without patience. Now that I know that it’s a lot easier to find the strength to just wait and focus on what it is that’s important: health, humility and above all being comfortable with lack of control :D

Thank you Beatles for pointing that stuff out to me :D

This weekend was a cathartic kismet roller coaster leading me to and fro inside and outside of my heart. Almost like an acid trip only of sobriety and understanding. If I didn’t know better I’d guess I dreamed all or most of it. all in all it keeps leading me back to what I somehow always knew to be true but even more bizarrely somehow forgot for awhile, I love my wife, my lady, my best friend, my confidant, my lover. I love you Zoe and I’ve been giving some thought to what you said to me the last time we spoke.

You’re absolutely right, there is no way we can go back to the early days of our relationship, our marriage….I don’t want that. It wasn’t stable or all that healthy. I want something more and you deserve something more. I want an incredible loving, passionate, respectful marriage with you. I love you with all my heart and am doing my best to leave you alone right now even though all of me wants to fight for your heart. I understand now that talking isn’t the way to fix us. Me fixing our finances, budget, my attitude and my anger is what it will take to do so. I am fixing all of that as well as I can and just hope it is enough for you.

Namaste!

To all of the new friends I made this week and to those friends that have been my guides through the wilderness I’ve travelled heart and soul through the last 30 days I thank you from the bottom of my heart and appreciate the clarity, growth, acceptance and above all understanding you’ve given me.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had the strength to think or type anything of import. Day after day I’m left reeling by the realizations of what I’ve done, what I’ve lost and why. Some may say my transgressions are minor and that they are not something to get this worked up about. They’re wrong. I sacrificed the happiness of my family without their regard. I made decisions affecting the happiness and potential of those that matter most to me in the name of success. Success isn’t something you can make, it’s something you earn. Earned by the fires of self sacrifice and doing what is right for those around you.

I am not entirely blameless in the situation, an ugly disease called depression struck a silent sneaking blow to who I am, who I had been to my family and how I wanted to be. I can’t take that back, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made or ignore them. While I may not have noticed the depths of despair and fear in my heart over the last 15 months due to the illness, I am still responsible. I hurt my family in subtle yet massively painful ways.

My goal since October 12th 2005 has always been to do right by Zoe, and to truly love her without condition. When Zandr was born I felt the same for him, and the same with Mikey. Sadly due to fear of failing them and an inability to cast away self doubt I let myself spiral ever downward into a place where I could no longer feel anything but anger, sadness and despair. The worst part is I couldn’t see it even at the end. It took me losing everything important to me to wake me up from the horror I’d become. That whole time is there replaying in my head fuzzily. It’s like I was in the backseat of my own brain wanting desperately to scream but I had no voice, no ability to reason with myself. My heart knew the truth, that Zoe, Zandr & Mikey had captured my heart and soul from the moment I met them, but I could not think it or know it any longer.

Depression is an evil evil disease that can cause good people to do bad things or at the very least make them incapable of making the right choices. Even now that I’m a few weeks into treatment for it and am finally painfully aware of how bad I became, I can still feel it probing at my heart looking for a way to once more take the reins and lead me back down. I’m crawling out of the hole finally. It sadly is something that has to be done alone. Only I can find the path back to unity of my heart and soul, I have guides in the form of therapists, counselors & medication but the act of healing comes from within. I do want to thank the people who have given me advice & have spent time with me to ease the burden weighing me down though. Each moment is different and some are almost unbearable. I disagree with some of the things they’ve said but the feeling of support makes me still listen.

Every day has been a struggle, at night I fight back against the pain of loneliness in my empty house. The feelings of home and happiness now just a memory. I don’t know how to make amends to those three amazing people who inspired me to be a better man. I’m sorry I failed to realize their hopes for me. I took in their love and cast back sullen sadness no matter how much I wanted to rejoice with them in the amazing journey of life. I turned my back on my best friend, lover and wife. I turned my back on our two amazing joyful sons. Instead I let fear, doubt, distrust & anger rule me. Did they do anything to deserve this? No, instead they bore the brunt of my issues and yet still tried to support me and to help me. That my friends is what love is. Doing what is required of you for the betterment of each other and sacrificing for happiness. I used to know that and knew it intrinsically with every cell in my body and every facet of my soul. Depression took that knowledge and locked it away for a long terrible dark time.

I will not let myself fall back into the pit of despair, I have found once more that which makes me a good man. I have forgiven myself for I knew not what I did. I can not forget for I will bear the scars for the treatment I gave my loved ones till the end of my days. I will not forget there is a higher power who can give strength and help to those who ask for it. I will not ever let myself stop being the good person I know I am.

Dearest boys,

I know you’re too young to understand what’s going on right now. Know that I love you guys with all my heart and soul, that I miss you so much and that this isn’t anything you guys did. All I want right now is to feel your arms hug me and to wrap my arms around you and hold you both close. You two and your mommy are the most important people in all the world to me. Seeing your faces when I first wake up every morning is the best part of my workday other than coming home to you guys.

I’m sorry that I’ve ever yelled at you, I know that must be scary. I’m so sorry Zandr that I’ve been unable to fix your legs and arms and that due to my own exhaustion haven’t been able to read to you as often as I’d like. Seeing you boys in pain is the most anguishing experiencing in my life with the exception of having you taken away from me.  When you Mikey give me a hug and then scootch back onto my lap to sit down that always warms my heart in ways I never knew I could until after you guys were born.

The last week since I haven’t been able to talk to you guys I’ve listened to the saved voicemails I had of you both and looked through all the pictures I have desiring nothing more than to have you fall asleep cuddled up with me feeling safe, happy and warm.
Know that no matter what happens, that mommy and daddy love you guys so much and that we both just want to do what we feel is best for you. I love you boys so much and being away from all of you is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I miss you both so much and hope that I can see you soon.

I am so thankful to your mom that she felt that I would be a good husband to her and a great father to you boys, she is one of the best things that ever happened in my life as are both of you. It sucks that it took this happening to make me fully realize that. I miss you guys. I love you guys.

When your mommy asked me to give her a baby, I had no idea just how powerfully being a parent would affect me, I knew I’d love you and that you’d be amazing but mere words can’t hold a candle to how totally amazing and beautiful you boys are. Everytime you say “Daddy” or “I love you” Zandr my heart melts a little bit.

Your loving dad,

Cris

Today’s the day I finally do what’s right for my Boys, my family & my friends. The day I stop waiting to be happy. the day I stop giving up. Here are 25 resolutions that I am making for myself to work on daily, hourly, minute by minute or second by second.

1. Stop being angered. I’m going to counseling tomorrow and will go everyday if I have to until I can feel good about not yelling at people or making people feel threatened. Intimidating or hurting others is anathema to who I am and how I wish to be. I may never have struck anyone in anger or not but I will not let my temper rule me.
2. I’m going to deal with my depression, my conflict and my overall stress level when it happens instead of waiting for things to get too heavy for me to bear.
3. I’m going to go back to work and accomplish my goals if I cannot do so through my current situation I will find something better and stick with it to provide better security for my life.
4. Never spank my children at all. I know it’s harder to discipline children when you don’t use spankings but I don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do it anymore.
5. I’m going to find happiness again, first in myself and then in others. My friends and family used to be my sole source of happiness since deep inside I haven’t really been happy with myself since I was young. I will find happiness in myself.
6. I’m going to prove to myself that I can be who I want by making myself a better person. I am a good person that has let personality flaws, faults and issues cloud my judgement and actions and that is not who I am or who I will allow myself to be perceived as.
7. I’m going to stop smoking by the end of the year. Done. I need to be healthy for myself, my boys and smoking only wastes money and causes health problems.
8. I’m going to stop eating unhealthy food. I eat far too much junk food. I will only be eating real food and not processed junk anymore.
9. I’m going to stop drinking unhealthy beverages. Beer, wine, soda all of it. Done. I need to be healthier and consuming so much soda isn’t good. I don’t drink much but every little bit helps.
10. I’m going to exercise. I keep saying I need to lose weight and get in better shape but keep making excuses about it. That stops now. I’ve spent the last couple mornings doing situps and pushups soon I’ll be doing some jogging. I need to be healthier about myself in every way.
11. I’m going to stop sitting on my ass and start living life. All too often I’ve come home from work exhausted and instead of spending quality time with my family I chose to zone out watching tv. That’s done. I need to return to the days of reading, learning and spending real quality time with those I care about.
12. I’m going to stop talking so damned much. Odds are if I’ve talked with someone I’ve tried to dominate the conversation. I don’t know the reasons why but deep down maybe I just feel that I need verification of my opinions. Or it could be I just crave the attention.
13. I’m going to set myself a budget that allows me to save money every month and pay back and pay off bills in the past. Getting ahead instead of languishing behind.
14. I’m going to stop using the internet as much. I retreat into my vice of using the internet too much. I’m not a gaming addict or porn freak or anything like that. I just love the shear amount of information the internet provides but I turn to it as a distraction too much for it to be healthy.
15. I’m going to start thinking before I speak. All too often my mouth has spoken things I didn’t mean and didn’t ever want to say or have caused me to drone on and on about nothing instead of truly knowing exactly what I wanted to say. That stops now.
16. I’m going to find confidence again, since the birth of my son Mikey I have struggled with depression over affording bills for my family, the stress of a job I didn’t like and by deep feelings of letting my family down. When I lost that job I felt crippled by zero confidence in myself. I need to regain the strength I felt and to feel confident again.
17. I’m going to improve my self esteem. I am a good person and have made mistakes and been misunderstood but I am a good person and have good ethics and morals.
18. I’m going to clean my garage and get rid of things I don’t need. Material items all too easily distract from people. I’m going to be a better neighbor and colleagues. I need to be there for my neighbors & coworkers when they need me.
19. I’m going to take more time for my friends instead of time with my friends.
20. I’m going to listen far more than I speak. I run at the mouth to hide my own insecurities. It only serves to make me look foolish which reinforces my insecurities.
21. I’m going to make sure I understand something before I say I do. All to often I’ve said I understand while leaping instead to wrong conclusions. That’s not fair to other people or myself.
22. I’m going to respect myself, my friends and family more than I do now and show that respect in my interactions with them.
23. I’m going to give up politics, all it does is frustrate or annoy me or worse yet, makes me wallow in negativity. No more. I’m concerned about the future of our boys but not to the point of it overshadowing my relationship with them.
24. I’m going to stand up for myself and be heard truthfully. In the past I’ve had issues with lying but when I met my wife I stopped all that. I didn’t want to do anything like that for her. While that’s a noble intention I don’t want to lie (even white lies) for myself first and foremost and then my family.
25. I’m done giving into the fears and doubts in me. Those parts of me are not healthy and will no longer be allowed to exist. If I sense fears and doubts that only serve to cause me turmoil, they’re gone.

All of this starts now or started September 24th and will be an ongoing effort to align how I am with who I want to be. I’ll likely be updating every day now with a quick note of which ones I feel like I am improving and which I need to work harder on.

So my wife Zoe & I are buying a house, in this economy that seems like a silly idea. Actually it’s not entirely silly since property values are so low right now. However with the complexity of banking habits right now plus the fact that I started a little business called Slate Technologies I don’t have the resources or the desire to actually deal with navigating the banking waters.

So anyhow, the idea I had (yet another one of my strange social experiments) is to see if I can crowdsource buying my house. The idea is to still pay everyone back that donates but to do it without paying all of those spurious fees to banks, real estate brokers and everyone else that skims money off of the top. To be fair I love most real estate brokers, in this case however we love the property but the agent is a giant bag of suck.

I could say more and be even more flowery in my speech but in this case short, sweet and succinct seems like the best plan. Below is the donate button. All donations will be credited with name (and or twitter handle if you’d like) in list form as the experiment continues.

Easy peasy right?

I just got word that the marching program at my high school is being eliminated, the board (particularly Shar Giard) didn’t allow comment from any of the Band Parent Association that were present during the vote. The board has regularly voted to give more money to the football team (not they’re ever really contenders though) while constantly shafting the award winning (Centennial is responsible for winning hundreds of awards in the last 30 years for musical performance, including over 18 sweepstakes awards at the Grand Floral Parade).

I’m a product of that marching program. Until I joined the band I was a completely undisciplined wallflower incapable of any real interaction with anyone. Now I’m a successful small business owner, father and husband. If it wasn’t for the tutelage and experience I received being a part of something bigger than my young high school mind could perceive I’d likely have not gone on to anything notable in my life. Curtailing a long running program because a. it’s too expensive and b. the new band director doesn’t like marching activites is idiocy. Why apply for the job if you want to eliminate half of it? Moron. Too expensive? Really? Music is time and time again proven to be better for academics as well as improving future prospects for success.

Here’s the note I received about the board’s decision:

In a very sad turn of events the Centennial School district board voted to shutdown the 2009/10 fall/winter marching program. A large contingent of Band Parent Assc members were present when the board was presented with the recommendation to continue the music program but only march for the rose parade. To our amazement the board pres. Shar Giard would not allow comment from any of our group even though it was clear they were acting on mis-information about the number of students currently participating in marching band and colorguard. They did not give any consideration at all to the members of the colorguard as they are not band students. We have had several meetings with the superintendent and members of the board and have had representation at all their meetings and all along they have been telling us that they are very supportive of the marching band program, that they wanted it to continue.
In case you had not heard we were also in a transition of directors this year, spearheaded in part by the band parents assc. because we wanted to see more dicipline and control of the program. Mr. Dave Mann has served as the director since Bret Cappelluti and with great enthusiam and effort. We applaud him for his time and wish him well in the future.
The position of director was posted and a number of very qualified applications were received. In the end the position was given to Mr. Claud Garrett, the current photography teacher at CHS, who had also applied. The administration said their hands were tied because of union rules and the fact that many teachers were being laid off due to the budget crisis. It seems Mr. Garrett had the right to bump anyone the school might have hired from outside. All that said the fact is that while Mr. Garrett has the credentials to teach music he has no interest in marching band, doesn’t even pretend to like drumcorps. He came to a band parent meeting last week and stated that the decision of whether there would be fall marching was out of his control. But it was very clear that given the choice he would not want to run it.

For all of you alumni I am greatly saddened as I was a parent during years when the CHS Marching Band and Colorguard was at the top of its game. I’m sure as you have chosen to be a member of this group that you too have fond memories of your marching days. It is very sad that there could be no future competitive marching band at Centennial.

I would ask that if you feel moved to do so you either write or call the superintendent, Dr. Mckean and all the current district board members and remind them that this is a program that has a rich history and should be preserved. You can find their contact information at this link..

http://www.centennial.k12.or.us/contacts/contacts_board.php

this group will continue and I invite a discussion on this matter

thank you

Mark Huff
CHS Band Parent Assc Communications Director

To the members of the board: You obviously weren’t members of the band so don’t understand the bond we all share regardless of what years we attended. If you want to kill something to save money why not cut out some of the athletic programs? More kids went through the music program then the athletics programs so it’s obviously a better investment. Regardless of anything the liklihood that I’ll ever donate money to the school again is exactly zero. I experienced how it was spent then and it doesn’t surprise me in the least that once again the band gets the sharp pointy end of the stick.

Oh and Claud Garett, obviously you aren’t qualified for this job in the least no matter what degree you’ve got. The Centennial band deserves someone who will appreciate their history. If you apply for a job do the whole job not just the parts that appeal to you.