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It’s been awhile since I’ve had the strength to think or type anything of import. Day after day I’m left reeling by the realizations of what I’ve done, what I’ve lost and why. Some may say my transgressions are minor and that they are not something to get this worked up about. They’re wrong. I sacrificed the happiness of my family without their regard. I made decisions affecting the happiness and potential of those that matter most to me in the name of success. Success isn’t something you can make, it’s something you earn. Earned by the fires of self sacrifice and doing what is right for those around you.

I am not entirely blameless in the situation, an ugly disease called depression struck a silent sneaking blow to who I am, who I had been to my family and how I wanted to be. I can’t take that back, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made or ignore them. While I may not have noticed the depths of despair and fear in my heart over the last 15 months due to the illness, I am still responsible. I hurt my family in subtle yet massively painful ways.

My goal since October 12th 2005 has always been to do right by Zoe, and to truly love her without condition. When Zandr was born I felt the same for him, and the same with Mikey. Sadly due to fear of failing them and an inability to cast away self doubt I let myself spiral ever downward into a place where I could no longer feel anything but anger, sadness and despair. The worst part is I couldn’t see it even at the end. It took me losing everything important to me to wake me up from the horror I’d become. That whole time is there replaying in my head fuzzily. It’s like I was in the backseat of my own brain wanting desperately to scream but I had no voice, no ability to reason with myself. My heart knew the truth, that Zoe, Zandr & Mikey had captured my heart and soul from the moment I met them, but I could not think it or know it any longer.

Depression is an evil evil disease that can cause good people to do bad things or at the very least make them incapable of making the right choices. Even now that I’m a few weeks into treatment for it and am finally painfully aware of how bad I became, I can still feel it probing at my heart looking for a way to once more take the reins and lead me back down. I’m crawling out of the hole finally. It sadly is something that has to be done alone. Only I can find the path back to unity of my heart and soul, I have guides in the form of therapists, counselors & medication but the act of healing comes from within. I do want to thank the people who have given me advice & have spent time with me to ease the burden weighing me down though. Each moment is different and some are almost unbearable. I disagree with some of the things they’ve said but the feeling of support makes me still listen.

Every day has been a struggle, at night I fight back against the pain of loneliness in my empty house. The feelings of home and happiness now just a memory. I don’t know how to make amends to those three amazing people who inspired me to be a better man. I’m sorry I failed to realize their hopes for me. I took in their love and cast back sullen sadness no matter how much I wanted to rejoice with them in the amazing journey of life. I turned my back on my best friend, lover and wife. I turned my back on our two amazing joyful sons. Instead I let fear, doubt, distrust & anger rule me. Did they do anything to deserve this? No, instead they bore the brunt of my issues and yet still tried to support me and to help me. That my friends is what love is. Doing what is required of you for the betterment of each other and sacrificing for happiness. I used to know that and knew it intrinsically with every cell in my body and every facet of my soul. Depression took that knowledge and locked it away for a long terrible dark time.

I will not let myself fall back into the pit of despair, I have found once more that which makes me a good man. I have forgiven myself for I knew not what I did. I can not forget for I will bear the scars for the treatment I gave my loved ones till the end of my days. I will not forget there is a higher power who can give strength and help to those who ask for it. I will not ever let myself stop being the good person I know I am.

Dearest boys,

I know you’re too young to understand what’s going on right now. Know that I love you guys with all my heart and soul, that I miss you so much and that this isn’t anything you guys did. All I want right now is to feel your arms hug me and to wrap my arms around you and hold you both close. You two and your mommy are the most important people in all the world to me. Seeing your faces when I first wake up every morning is the best part of my workday other than coming home to you guys.

I’m sorry that I’ve ever yelled at you, I know that must be scary. I’m so sorry Zandr that I’ve been unable to fix your legs and arms and that due to my own exhaustion haven’t been able to read to you as often as I’d like. Seeing you boys in pain is the most anguishing experiencing in my life with the exception of having you taken away from me.  When you Mikey give me a hug and then scootch back onto my lap to sit down that always warms my heart in ways I never knew I could until after you guys were born.

The last week since I haven’t been able to talk to you guys I’ve listened to the saved voicemails I had of you both and looked through all the pictures I have desiring nothing more than to have you fall asleep cuddled up with me feeling safe, happy and warm.
Know that no matter what happens, that mommy and daddy love you guys so much and that we both just want to do what we feel is best for you. I love you boys so much and being away from all of you is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I miss you both so much and hope that I can see you soon.

I am so thankful to your mom that she felt that I would be a good husband to her and a great father to you boys, she is one of the best things that ever happened in my life as are both of you. It sucks that it took this happening to make me fully realize that. I miss you guys. I love you guys.

When your mommy asked me to give her a baby, I had no idea just how powerfully being a parent would affect me, I knew I’d love you and that you’d be amazing but mere words can’t hold a candle to how totally amazing and beautiful you boys are. Everytime you say “Daddy” or “I love you” Zandr my heart melts a little bit.

Your loving dad,

Cris

Today’s the day I finally do what’s right for my Boys, my family & my friends. The day I stop waiting to be happy. the day I stop giving up. Here are 25 resolutions that I am making for myself to work on daily, hourly, minute by minute or second by second.

1. Stop being angered. I’m going to counseling tomorrow and will go everyday if I have to until I can feel good about not yelling at people or making people feel threatened. Intimidating or hurting others is anathema to who I am and how I wish to be. I may never have struck anyone in anger or not but I will not let my temper rule me.
2. I’m going to deal with my depression, my conflict and my overall stress level when it happens instead of waiting for things to get too heavy for me to bear.
3. I’m going to go back to work and accomplish my goals if I cannot do so through my current situation I will find something better and stick with it to provide better security for my life.
4. Never spank my children at all. I know it’s harder to discipline children when you don’t use spankings but I don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do it anymore.
5. I’m going to find happiness again, first in myself and then in others. My friends and family used to be my sole source of happiness since deep inside I haven’t really been happy with myself since I was young. I will find happiness in myself.
6. I’m going to prove to myself that I can be who I want by making myself a better person. I am a good person that has let personality flaws, faults and issues cloud my judgement and actions and that is not who I am or who I will allow myself to be perceived as.
7. I’m going to stop smoking by the end of the year. Done. I need to be healthy for myself, my boys and smoking only wastes money and causes health problems.
8. I’m going to stop eating unhealthy food. I eat far too much junk food. I will only be eating real food and not processed junk anymore.
9. I’m going to stop drinking unhealthy beverages. Beer, wine, soda all of it. Done. I need to be healthier and consuming so much soda isn’t good. I don’t drink much but every little bit helps.
10. I’m going to exercise. I keep saying I need to lose weight and get in better shape but keep making excuses about it. That stops now. I’ve spent the last couple mornings doing situps and pushups soon I’ll be doing some jogging. I need to be healthier about myself in every way.
11. I’m going to stop sitting on my ass and start living life. All too often I’ve come home from work exhausted and instead of spending quality time with my family I chose to zone out watching tv. That’s done. I need to return to the days of reading, learning and spending real quality time with those I care about.
12. I’m going to stop talking so damned much. Odds are if I’ve talked with someone I’ve tried to dominate the conversation. I don’t know the reasons why but deep down maybe I just feel that I need verification of my opinions. Or it could be I just crave the attention.
13. I’m going to set myself a budget that allows me to save money every month and pay back and pay off bills in the past. Getting ahead instead of languishing behind.
14. I’m going to stop using the internet as much. I retreat into my vice of using the internet too much. I’m not a gaming addict or porn freak or anything like that. I just love the shear amount of information the internet provides but I turn to it as a distraction too much for it to be healthy.
15. I’m going to start thinking before I speak. All too often my mouth has spoken things I didn’t mean and didn’t ever want to say or have caused me to drone on and on about nothing instead of truly knowing exactly what I wanted to say. That stops now.
16. I’m going to find confidence again, since the birth of my son Mikey I have struggled with depression over affording bills for my family, the stress of a job I didn’t like and by deep feelings of letting my family down. When I lost that job I felt crippled by zero confidence in myself. I need to regain the strength I felt and to feel confident again.
17. I’m going to improve my self esteem. I am a good person and have made mistakes and been misunderstood but I am a good person and have good ethics and morals.
18. I’m going to clean my garage and get rid of things I don’t need. Material items all too easily distract from people. I’m going to be a better neighbor and colleagues. I need to be there for my neighbors & coworkers when they need me.
19. I’m going to take more time for my friends instead of time with my friends.
20. I’m going to listen far more than I speak. I run at the mouth to hide my own insecurities. It only serves to make me look foolish which reinforces my insecurities.
21. I’m going to make sure I understand something before I say I do. All to often I’ve said I understand while leaping instead to wrong conclusions. That’s not fair to other people or myself.
22. I’m going to respect myself, my friends and family more than I do now and show that respect in my interactions with them.
23. I’m going to give up politics, all it does is frustrate or annoy me or worse yet, makes me wallow in negativity. No more. I’m concerned about the future of our boys but not to the point of it overshadowing my relationship with them.
24. I’m going to stand up for myself and be heard truthfully. In the past I’ve had issues with lying but when I met my wife I stopped all that. I didn’t want to do anything like that for her. While that’s a noble intention I don’t want to lie (even white lies) for myself first and foremost and then my family.
25. I’m done giving into the fears and doubts in me. Those parts of me are not healthy and will no longer be allowed to exist. If I sense fears and doubts that only serve to cause me turmoil, they’re gone.

All of this starts now or started September 24th and will be an ongoing effort to align how I am with who I want to be. I’ll likely be updating every day now with a quick note of which ones I feel like I am improving and which I need to work harder on.

I’d say sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, but between raising the spud and his brother plus working on Portland Dreams when I can, there hasn’t been much time for anything else (well the occasional bout of sleep but that’s rare enough that it isn’t worth covering). Anyhow without further ado here’s some new pics of the wee ones (as well as a few pics of Zoe, my dad & even me!)

So far so good. We’re doing an alright job of adjusting to life with 2 boys. Many of you are probably thinking “pshaw, how hard can two boys be”. To you I say, you’re either not parents or else you’ve forgotten the difficulties of mixing newborns with big boys:

• Diaper changes with a newborn can quickly turn into a chain reaction (you’re midway through the change when they poop again).
• 15 month old boys demand far greater attention because they are constantly trying to give hugs, toys and food to the newborn.
• Sleep schedules being completely alien to anything remotely normal.

Due to our own bad planning (with the greatest of intentions of course) I am now sleeping on the queen size bed in our oldest’s room (still really not used to saying “our oldest”), while the wife is sleeping in the big comfy king in our room. It wasn’t the original plan but it tends to keep us both a little more on the sane side. I do have to say that it’s nice going to bed before 10pm again. I’d forgotten how well rested you can feel even when you wake up at 8am on a Sunday.

Next weekend ought to be interesting since we’re taking the boys to the tricities for a week (the wife will be staying there too) so I can clean the house, get the car fixed (there was some damage to it Thursday when I had to choose between hitting a teen or a wall, obviously I picked the wall) and then get some work done on a few projects I have in my head like:

• Portlanddreams.com – Yeah it’s high time I got the work I have completed uploaded and prepped for the rest of the dev team to finish up in time for the rolling beta in 2 weeks.
• The tech tutorial/widget/plugin sharing site I have yet to name – I don’t want to spoil things with this one yet but suffice to say I think it’ll be fun.
• WP-Ubercomments – The widget I told Rick Turoczy I’d write for him
• Finally migrate from my aging unstable p4 to the shiny quad core sitting gathering dust in my living room
• Rearrange some things and clean up my workspace at home to provide a better more productive environment
• Continue tweaking this site as well as getting a little bit of work done on the new theme I’m considering deploying

Oh sorry for not posting new pictures. Some asshat stole my Mother In Law’s camera before she had a chance to get the pictures uploaded. There will be a bunch coming soon.

Sometime in the next two weeks I’ll also have posts up on:

• Part two of my post on Thunderbird
• A review and getting started guide for Tiny Tiny RSS
• A huge collection of sprays for Team Fortress 2 (and other Steam games)

In closing I’d just like to say congrats to Demonoid.com to their reopening as a torrent site. A lot of us missed you guys. Also congrats to Dawn Foster for launching Portland is Awesome!

That’s right. After a danger fraught 42 minutes of labor Zoe has brought a new life into the world (or to put it another way, angel child Alexandr Phelan O’Rourke is a big brother now). There is a huge glut of pics coming soon but for now just a few I snapped throughout the long sleep deprived day Zoe and I have had. Xander’s having a blast but still trying to figure out who this new person that is getting all of mommy’s attention is.

Major update with play by play coming soon but for now we leave you with these few paltry images taken of the two most adorable boys I know (taken with iPhone).

What a great weekend this was. My first Beer & Blog was a blast, meeting new people is always a good thing. Really enjoyed the Green Dragon, looking forward to taking Zoe there.

Had a great wordpress plugin/design fest at Chance of Rain Saturday morning. Loving Treasurelicious.com and looking forward to filling my profile up with more good stuff (especially pics/memories of my excellent son when he Was the only boy in the house. Special thanks to my friend Rick for trying to Stealth Baconate our table. Very fun times.

Also got to hang out and do a little bit of housecleaning in prep for the new baby. I set up the Spud’s crib here finally, no more sleeping with Mommy and Daddy.

Best of all was two full days devoted to the family. Both the Spud and his very ready to be done being preggers Mommy. No matter how tough my week is the weekends with them are always the best way to recharge my batteries.

Now I sleep for tomorrow I work. One last thing. I can now post from my iPhone thanks to the WP-phone plugin. Yay this means more posts not at my computer when I’m hanging with the family.