What’s really interesting is realizing more and more that in order for me to be truly happy I need to embrace the person I was from age 19-22 much, much more.  I lived life in many ways like a hippy or beatnik. I worked when I needed money, I slept if I needed to but above all I never compromised my own values or ethics while at the same time keeping to my promise to always be equally mutually beneficial to any interactions I had. I forgot that along the way and that imbalance contributed to a lot of hurt to a lot of people who didn’t deserve it including myself. The adage “be true to yourself” means accepting the flaws inherent to who you are too.

I’m by no means glossing over my own immaturities throughout my life but there is a certain raw natural instinct that guides us at that age before the outside world forces us to change to be a better fit in society. The real question then is how useful is society if it requires that we not be ourselves (obvious nonharmful to others qualifier). So much of our society is about making a better you with stuff and lesser so on excelling on being ourselves.Why can’t we instead work towards promoting a better species instead of just being a vast network of interdependent snake oil salesmen.

So who is this new me? Or rather what is the “me” that has returned? That’s really an observational thing so find me somewhere at any of my favorite Portland haunts and see for yourself :D

Related posts:

1. Let it Be…the answer to your heart One of the strangest clues I wish I’d noticed earlier...
2. Introspection (or revisiting the past for fun and profit) So here I am in the dawning of yet another...

Mine are currently:

1. All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix: That song originally a tune by Bob Dylan is completely and totally owned by Hendrix (he plays almost every guitar part in the song). Great taken to the level of perfection. This coupled with the fact the lyrics always really resonated with me (and slightly reminds me of Stephen King’s Dark Tower somehow).

2. White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane: A fantastic melodic & percussive rhythm perfectly crafted to hit you like a one, two punch of awesome in perfect compliment to Grace Slick’s perfect delivery and the impact her amazing voice has.

3. If I ever leave this world alive by Flogging Molly: This song didn’t make much sense to me personally until I fell in love and became a parent. So melancholy yet at the same time so hopeful and optimistic, the song has become even more something I find myself humming or singing in the shower or while puttering around handling errands.

4. Someone by Ascension: One of the best dance tracks ever recorded and brilliantly mixed by Paul Oakenfold this song has great music but above all the simple statements in the lyrics (very simple) have tremendous impact. When writing my marriage vows this song, this simple little song inspired me because it was one of “our” songs and the lyrics were and still to my heart are exactly true of how I feel about her.

5. Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty: One of the earliest songs I remember hearing and also responsible for the huge popularity of the saxophone throughout the early ’80s. The bittersweet quality of the lyrics always tend to really hit me the most right when I need them to.

So that’s my list and as always to participate all you need to do is comment. The let me know and I’ll post a link back to your blog the same way I did for the first experiment.

Related posts:

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3. Jake to Universe interviews me for the great interview experiment Jake to Universe: The Great Interview Experiment II Pretty cool...

The good news is once you’ve found the knowledge it does get easier, not instantly but every moment it eases fractionally. The situations (yes plural) I’m in right now all seem to be at root the same issue, ultimately that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that each situation has a lesson to be learned. Some of them are painful lessons, some are sad lessons but really they’re all good lessons so long as I take something away from the situation. What’s even better is the very act of trying to dig yourself out of a hole the right way means you get more lessons and even better a greater understanding of how to be a good person. All you need to do is hold onto that inner strength and your faith in yourself and God and there’s pretty much no hole you can’t escape. It’ll just take time, belief and above all the strength to fall back from time to time. Throughout all of this I’ve discovered far deeper reserves of strength then I knew I had, now I know that I can withstand far more pain & hurt than I even thought possible. That strength has stripped away most of the fear, anger and depression that had been clouding my mind and leading me  into far more holes than needed.

Namaste :D

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2. Introspection (or revisiting the past for fun and profit) So here I am in the dawning of yet another...
3. Let it Be…the answer to your heart One of the strangest clues I wish I’d noticed earlier...

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

We all await the answers to our hearts, to the questions in our souls. I used to think that the fear that the answer wouldn’t be what you want was the worst thing of all. Not at all I know now, quite to the contrary. The hardest part is waiting with baited breath, every cell anticipating, needing to know, needing that sense of resolution and knowing that no matter what there is no way to hurry it along, no way to have the solution, no way to resolve things without patience. Now that I know that it’s a lot easier to find the strength to just wait and focus on what it is that’s important: health, humility and above all being comfortable with lack of control :D

Thank you Beatles for pointing that stuff out to me :D

This weekend was a cathartic kismet roller coaster leading me to and fro inside and outside of my heart. Almost like an acid trip only of sobriety and understanding. If I didn’t know better I’d guess I dreamed all or most of it. all in all it keeps leading me back to what I somehow always knew to be true but even more bizarrely somehow forgot for awhile, I love my wife, my lady, my best friend, my confidant, my lover. I love you Zoe and I’ve been giving some thought to what you said to me the last time we spoke.

You’re absolutely right, there is no way we can go back to the early days of our relationship, our marriage….I don’t want that. It wasn’t stable or all that healthy. I want something more and you deserve something more. I want an incredible loving, passionate, respectful marriage with you. I love you with all my heart and am doing my best to leave you alone right now even though all of me wants to fight for your heart. I understand now that talking isn’t the way to fix us. Me fixing our finances, budget, my attitude and my anger is what it will take to do so. I am fixing all of that as well as I can and just hope it is enough for you.

Namaste!

To all of the new friends I made this week and to those friends that have been my guides through the wilderness I’ve travelled heart and soul through the last 30 days I thank you from the bottom of my heart and appreciate the clarity, growth, acceptance and above all understanding you’ve given me.

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2. The road to redemption is a hard path to travel. It’s been awhile since I’ve had the strength to think...
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I am not entirely blameless in the situation, an ugly disease called depression struck a silent sneaking blow to who I am, who I had been to my family and how I wanted to be. I can’t take that back, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made or ignore them. While I may not have noticed the depths of despair and fear in my heart over the last 15 months due to the illness, I am still responsible. I hurt my family in subtle yet massively painful ways.

My goal since October 12th 2005 has always been to do right by Zoe, and to truly love her without condition. When Zandr was born I felt the same for him, and the same with Mikey. Sadly due to fear of failing them and an inability to cast away self doubt I let myself spiral ever downward into a place where I could no longer feel anything but anger, sadness and despair. The worst part is I couldn’t see it even at the end. It took me losing everything important to me to wake me up from the horror I’d become. That whole time is there replaying in my head fuzzily. It’s like I was in the backseat of my own brain wanting desperately to scream but I had no voice, no ability to reason with myself. My heart knew the truth, that Zoe, Zandr & Mikey had captured my heart and soul from the moment I met them, but I could not think it or know it any longer.

Depression is an evil evil disease that can cause good people to do bad things or at the very least make them incapable of making the right choices. Even now that I’m a few weeks into treatment for it and am finally painfully aware of how bad I became, I can still feel it probing at my heart looking for a way to once more take the reins and lead me back down. I’m crawling out of the hole finally. It sadly is something that has to be done alone. Only I can find the path back to unity of my heart and soul, I have guides in the form of therapists, counselors & medication but the act of healing comes from within. I do want to thank the people who have given me advice & have spent time with me to ease the burden weighing me down though. Each moment is different and some are almost unbearable. I disagree with some of the things they’ve said but the feeling of support makes me still listen.

Every day has been a struggle, at night I fight back against the pain of loneliness in my empty house. The feelings of home and happiness now just a memory. I don’t know how to make amends to those three amazing people who inspired me to be a better man. I’m sorry I failed to realize their hopes for me. I took in their love and cast back sullen sadness no matter how much I wanted to rejoice with them in the amazing journey of life. I turned my back on my best friend, lover and wife. I turned my back on our two amazing joyful sons. Instead I let fear, doubt, distrust & anger rule me. Did they do anything to deserve this? No, instead they bore the brunt of my issues and yet still tried to support me and to help me. That my friends is what love is. Doing what is required of you for the betterment of each other and sacrificing for happiness. I used to know that and knew it intrinsically with every cell in my body and every facet of my soul. Depression took that knowledge and locked it away for a long terrible dark time.

I will not let myself fall back into the pit of despair, I have found once more that which makes me a good man. I have forgiven myself for I knew not what I did. I can not forget for I will bear the scars for the treatment I gave my loved ones till the end of my days. I will not forget there is a higher power who can give strength and help to those who ask for it. I will not ever let myself stop being the good person I know I am.

Related posts:

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2. Let it Be…the answer to your heart One of the strangest clues I wish I’d noticed earlier...
3. Learning from your past (Hole-y smokes!) Ever find yourself in a hole you dug yourself and...

1. Stop being angered. I’m going to counseling tomorrow and will go everyday if I have to until I can feel good about not yelling at people or making people feel threatened. Intimidating or hurting others is anathema to who I am and how I wish to be. I may never have struck anyone in anger or not but I will not let my temper rule me.
2. I’m going to deal with my depression, my conflict and my overall stress level when it happens instead of waiting for things to get too heavy for me to bear.
3. I’m going to go back to work and accomplish my goals if I cannot do so through my current situation I will find something better and stick with it to provide better security for my life.
4. Never spank my children at all. I know it’s harder to discipline children when you don’t use spankings but I don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do it anymore.
5. I’m going to find happiness again, first in myself and then in others. My friends and family used to be my sole source of happiness since deep inside I haven’t really been happy with myself since I was young. I will find happiness in myself.
6. I’m going to prove to myself that I can be who I want by making myself a better person. I am a good person that has let personality flaws, faults and issues cloud my judgement and actions and that is not who I am or who I will allow myself to be perceived as.
7. I’m going to stop smoking by the end of the year. Done. I need to be healthy for myself, my boys and smoking only wastes money and causes health problems.
8. I’m going to stop eating unhealthy food. I eat far too much junk food. I will only be eating real food and not processed junk anymore.
9. I’m going to stop drinking unhealthy beverages. Beer, wine, soda all of it. Done. I need to be healthier and consuming so much soda isn’t good. I don’t drink much but every little bit helps.
10. I’m going to exercise. I keep saying I need to lose weight and get in better shape but keep making excuses about it. That stops now. I’ve spent the last couple mornings doing situps and pushups soon I’ll be doing some jogging. I need to be healthier about myself in every way.
11. I’m going to stop sitting on my ass and start living life. All too often I’ve come home from work exhausted and instead of spending quality time with my family I chose to zone out watching tv. That’s done. I need to return to the days of reading, learning and spending real quality time with those I care about.
12. I’m going to stop talking so damned much. Odds are if I’ve talked with someone I’ve tried to dominate the conversation. I don’t know the reasons why but deep down maybe I just feel that I need verification of my opinions. Or it could be I just crave the attention.
13. I’m going to set myself a budget that allows me to save money every month and pay back and pay off bills in the past. Getting ahead instead of languishing behind.
14. I’m going to stop using the internet as much. I retreat into my vice of using the internet too much. I’m not a gaming addict or porn freak or anything like that. I just love the shear amount of information the internet provides but I turn to it as a distraction too much for it to be healthy.
15. I’m going to start thinking before I speak. All too often my mouth has spoken things I didn’t mean and didn’t ever want to say or have caused me to drone on and on about nothing instead of truly knowing exactly what I wanted to say. That stops now.
16. I’m going to find confidence again, since the birth of my son Mikey I have struggled with depression over affording bills for my family, the stress of a job I didn’t like and by deep feelings of letting my family down. When I lost that job I felt crippled by zero confidence in myself. I need to regain the strength I felt and to feel confident again.
17. I’m going to improve my self esteem. I am a good person and have made mistakes and been misunderstood but I am a good person and have good ethics and morals.
18. I’m going to clean my garage and get rid of things I don’t need. Material items all too easily distract from people. I’m going to be a better neighbor and colleagues. I need to be there for my neighbors & coworkers when they need me.
19. I’m going to take more time for my friends instead of time with my friends.
20. I’m going to listen far more than I speak. I run at the mouth to hide my own insecurities. It only serves to make me look foolish which reinforces my insecurities.
21. I’m going to make sure I understand something before I say I do. All to often I’ve said I understand while leaping instead to wrong conclusions. That’s not fair to other people or myself.
22. I’m going to respect myself, my friends and family more than I do now and show that respect in my interactions with them.
23. I’m going to give up politics, all it does is frustrate or annoy me or worse yet, makes me wallow in negativity. No more. I’m concerned about the future of our boys but not to the point of it overshadowing my relationship with them.
24. I’m going to stand up for myself and be heard truthfully. In the past I’ve had issues with lying but when I met my wife I stopped all that. I didn’t want to do anything like that for her. While that’s a noble intention I don’t want to lie (even white lies) for myself first and foremost and then my family.
25. I’m done giving into the fears and doubts in me. Those parts of me are not healthy and will no longer be allowed to exist. If I sense fears and doubts that only serve to cause me turmoil, they’re gone.

All of this starts now or started September 24th and will be an ongoing effort to align how I am with who I want to be. I’ll likely be updating every day now with a quick note of which ones I feel like I am improving and which I need to work harder on.

Related posts:

1. The road to redemption is a hard path to travel. It’s been awhile since I’ve had the strength to think...
2. Introspection (or revisiting the past for fun and profit) So here I am in the dawning of yet another...
3. A letter to Zandr & Mikey Dearest boys, I know you’re too young to understand what’s...

Which brings me to a little experiment I’m trying out. Every Friday between 3pm and 5pm I will be engaging in #nofilterfriday. This means I’ll say whatever pops into my head and most importantly will honestly answer any questions that I’m asked. This will be difficult and I will honestly say there are very few subjects that I won’t respond well to (too private of info about my wife and kids for example).

I’ve already had a few questions asked in the original test #nofilterfriday.

sewmyheadon: @chrisorourke #nofilterfriday what pisses you off most about the iPhone?

@chrisorourke: @sewmyheadon The fact that a progressive forward thinking company like Apple did a deal with ATT. Apple could’ve been the first successful..
MVNO. Imagine paying your phone bill with itunes? Simple. Everything apple tied together. Really surprised they didn’t do it.

verso: @chrisorourke #nofilterfriday what is the thing from High School you look back on that still FULLY embarrasses you?

chrisorourke: @verso 1992: huge screwup during the ballad at the U of O marching band show during prelims. I played loud perc notes during flute solo.

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I was tasked with interviewing the Unreliable Narrator who is a good friend of one of my twitter peeps. I had a blast interviewing her and one of the most fun parts was coming up with ideas for questions. My interview was conducted by “Jake to Universe” and was chock full of thoughtful questions that made me think as well.

So here’s the rules (lifted from the original site with all due credit to Citizen of the Month).

Here’s how it is going to work. The first person who comments on this post, will get interviewed by me. I will read the person’s blog, then email him ten or so specific questions, hopefully more about his life (what makes them tick) than their favorite blogger (too obvious! — me). I’ll give my interviewee as much time as necessary to answer the questions, but hopefully he’ll finish it by next week. There might be a back-and-forth if the person feel uncomfortable with a question, etc. or if I want to explore a topic further. Finally, when it is all written up, I will polish the draft, send it back, and the interviewee can proudly publish the interview on their own blog.

It doesn’t end there. While I am interviewing the first commenter, he will be interviewing the second commenter. The second commenter will be interviewing the third commenter. Each person should then put their own interview on their own blog, or on the interviewer’s blog, or both (your choice!), answering the questions as openly and honestly as he chooses. Not only will this give others a new way to know you, but we will sabotage the idea of an interview only being for “somebody.” Everyone is somebody.

Pretty simple right? To make contacting each other easier, add your twitter name if you have one.

If you leave a comment, you’re in…

*** Update 11/26 ***
Since as the organizer of this strange little experiment I was not slated to be interviewed by anyone. Thanks to the always awesome Rick Turoczy of SiliconFlorist.com and @turoczy on twitter (like you didn’t know that) will be interviewing me.

Keep getting the word out on the Portland Great Interview Experiment :)

*** Update 12/02 ***
Have just been notified that Zola Marquis is a spam account (I HATE manual spammer garbage). Sorry for that.

*** Update 12/06 ***
Quite a few new folks have signed up and the number of finished interviews have grown a bit the last few days.

I will keep on adding to the list of interviewers/interviewees.

The list:

I’m interviewing Angela Leach aka CelticFrog on twitter.
Angela Leach is interviewing Alsymer.
Alsymer is interviewing Melissa Lion aka melissalion
Melissa Lion is intrviewing Eva Schweber aka Evacatherder
Eva is interviewing Banana Lee Fishbones aka Verso
Banana Lee Fishbones is interviewing Radiogretchen
Radiogretchen is interviewing Camikaos.
Camikaos is interviewing Kathleen McDade
Kathleen is interviewing Audrey
Audrey is interviewing Michelle
Michelle is interviewing Crystal Beasley
Crystal is interviewing MizD
MizD is interviewing David Kominsky
David Kominsky is interviewing Grant Kruger
Grant Kruger is interviewing Dawn Foster
Dawn Foster is interviewing J P Voilleque
J P Voilleque is interviewing Stephanie Stricklen
Stephanie Stricklen is interviewing Corina
Corina is interviewing Betsy Richter
Betsy Richter is interviewing Michael Buchino
Michael Buchino is interviewing Tylersticka
Tylersticka is interviewing Adron B. Hall
Adron B. Hall is interviewing Rebekah Villon
Rebekah Villon is interviewing Liz Grover
Liz Grover is interviewing Theressa Davis
Theressa Davis is interviewing Dale Chumbley
Dale Chumbley is interviewing Mark Colman
Mark Colman is interviewing Daniel Erickson
Daniel Erickson is interviewing Carolynn Duncan
Carolynn Duncan is interviewing Nick Bostic
Nick Bostic is interviewing Steve Woodward
Steve Woodward is interviewing Bill Jackson
Bill Jackson is interviewing Isaac Szymanczyk
Isaac Syzmanczyk is interviewing Amber Case
Amber Case is interviewing Doc Normal
Doc Normal is interviewing John Metta
John Metta is interviewing Doug Coleman
Doug Coleman is interviewing Tari Donohue
Tari Donohue is interviewing Boaz Frankel
Boaz Frankel is interviewing Mark Dilley
Mark Dilley is interviewing Alex C. Williams
Alex C. Williams is interviewing Alex H. Williams
Alex H. Williams is interviewing @unclenate
Uncle Nate is interviewing Nate Angell
Nate Angell is interviewing Marie Deatherage
Marie Deatherage is interviewing Ramona White
Ramona White is interviewing Jeff Martens
Jeff Martens is interviewing Cameron Adamez
Cameron Adamez is interviewing Bram Pitoyo
Bram Pitoyo is interviewing Matt Youell
Matt Youell is interviewing Amye Scavarda
Amye Scavarda is interviewing Meilin Miranda
Meilin Miranda is interviewing Jason Ruby
Jason Ruby is interviewing Designmama
Designmama is interviewing Heathred
Heathred is interviewing Reid BeelsReid Beels is interviewing Dr P Fenderson

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President Elect Barack Obama

The turnout nationwide was massive. Early voters, and those brave noble souls who stood in line for hours in rain and sleet together did something historic. No matter if your candidates won or not, America proved the worthy nation that she is to everyone across the world. We may not be perfect, we may be unbloodied but we spoke together united as one, united in our abilities to speak our minds, our hearts and to exercise that right that makes us the grand democracy that we are.

To those many thousands that volunteered, working phone banks, fundraising, and working the polling locations across this great nation, I say on behalf of my wife, my two sons and myself: Thank you.

In more partisan news: My entire family is stoked beyond belief that the candidate who has the mix of qualities that will return our nation to that of respect throughout this whole world once more emerged the victor in a historic race.

The first black President, the first democrat to win both the popular vote and electoral college since Jimmy Carter. Now that the color barrier has fallen in the highest level position you can hold in the free world, the last black President. This election has proven that it’s not about the color of your skin anymore. It’s about your ability to do the job of governing the greatest country the world has ever seen, and guiding her through triumph and adversity in a way befitting her stature.

President Elect Obama, the people have spoken. We believe in you, we trust in you and we’ve got your back to give you all the help you need to untarnish our country, don’t let us down.

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Major update with play by play coming soon but for now we leave you with these few paltry images taken of the two most adorable boys I know (taken with iPhone).

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