What’s really interesting is realizing more and more that in order for me to be truly happy I need to embrace the person I was from age 19-22 much, much more.  I lived life in many ways like a hippy or beatnik. I worked when I needed money, I slept if I needed to but above all I never compromised my own values or ethics while at the same time keeping to my promise to always be equally mutually beneficial to any interactions I had. I forgot that along the way and that imbalance contributed to a lot of hurt to a lot of people who didn’t deserve it including myself. The adage “be true to yourself” means accepting the flaws inherent to who you are too.

I’m by no means glossing over my own immaturities throughout my life but there is a certain raw natural instinct that guides us at that age before the outside world forces us to change to be a better fit in society. The real question then is how useful is society if it requires that we not be ourselves (obvious nonharmful to others qualifier). So much of our society is about making a better you with stuff and lesser so on excelling on being ourselves.Why can’t we instead work towards promoting a better species instead of just being a vast network of interdependent snake oil salesmen.

So who is this new me? Or rather what is the “me” that has returned? That’s really an observational thing so find me somewhere at any of my favorite Portland haunts and see for yourself :D

Mine are currently:

1. All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix: That song originally a tune by Bob Dylan is completely and totally owned by Hendrix (he plays almost every guitar part in the song). Great taken to the level of perfection. This coupled with the fact the lyrics always really resonated with me (and slightly reminds me of Stephen King’s Dark Tower somehow).

2. White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane: A fantastic melodic & percussive rhythm perfectly crafted to hit you like a one, two punch of awesome in perfect compliment to Grace Slick’s perfect delivery and the impact her amazing voice has.

3. If I ever leave this world alive by Flogging Molly: This song didn’t make much sense to me personally until I fell in love and became a parent. So melancholy yet at the same time so hopeful and optimistic, the song has become even more something I find myself humming or singing in the shower or while puttering around handling errands.

4. Someone by Ascension: One of the best dance tracks ever recorded and brilliantly mixed by Paul Oakenfold this song has great music but above all the simple statements in the lyrics (very simple) have tremendous impact. When writing my marriage vows this song, this simple little song inspired me because it was one of “our” songs and the lyrics were and still to my heart are exactly true of how I feel about her.

5. Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty: One of the earliest songs I remember hearing and also responsible for the huge popularity of the saxophone throughout the early ’80s. The bittersweet quality of the lyrics always tend to really hit me the most right when I need them to.

So that’s my list and as always to participate all you need to do is comment. The let me know and I’ll post a link back to your blog the same way I did for the first experiment.

The good news is once you’ve found the knowledge it does get easier, not instantly but every moment it eases fractionally. The situations (yes plural) I’m in right now all seem to be at root the same issue, ultimately that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that each situation has a lesson to be learned. Some of them are painful lessons, some are sad lessons but really they’re all good lessons so long as I take something away from the situation. What’s even better is the very act of trying to dig yourself out of a hole the right way means you get more lessons and even better a greater understanding of how to be a good person. All you need to do is hold onto that inner strength and your faith in yourself and God and there’s pretty much no hole you can’t escape. It’ll just take time, belief and above all the strength to fall back from time to time. Throughout all of this I’ve discovered far deeper reserves of strength then I knew I had, now I know that I can withstand far more pain & hurt than I even thought possible. That strength has stripped away most of the fear, anger and depression that had been clouding my mind and leading me  into far more holes than needed.

Namaste :D

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

We all await the answers to our hearts, to the questions in our souls. I used to think that the fear that the answer wouldn’t be what you want was the worst thing of all. Not at all I know now, quite to the contrary. The hardest part is waiting with baited breath, every cell anticipating, needing to know, needing that sense of resolution and knowing that no matter what there is no way to hurry it along, no way to have the solution, no way to resolve things without patience. Now that I know that it’s a lot easier to find the strength to just wait and focus on what it is that’s important: health, humility and above all being comfortable with lack of control :D

Thank you Beatles for pointing that stuff out to me :D

This weekend was a cathartic kismet roller coaster leading me to and fro inside and outside of my heart. Almost like an acid trip only of sobriety and understanding. If I didn’t know better I’d guess I dreamed all or most of it. all in all it keeps leading me back to what I somehow always knew to be true but even more bizarrely somehow forgot for awhile, I love my wife, my lady, my best friend, my confidant, my lover. I love you Zoe and I’ve been giving some thought to what you said to me the last time we spoke.

You’re absolutely right, there is no way we can go back to the early days of our relationship, our marriage….I don’t want that. It wasn’t stable or all that healthy. I want something more and you deserve something more. I want an incredible loving, passionate, respectful marriage with you. I love you with all my heart and am doing my best to leave you alone right now even though all of me wants to fight for your heart. I understand now that talking isn’t the way to fix us. Me fixing our finances, budget, my attitude and my anger is what it will take to do so. I am fixing all of that as well as I can and just hope it is enough for you.

Namaste!

To all of the new friends I made this week and to those friends that have been my guides through the wilderness I’ve travelled heart and soul through the last 30 days I thank you from the bottom of my heart and appreciate the clarity, growth, acceptance and above all understanding you’ve given me.

I am not entirely blameless in the situation, an ugly disease called depression struck a silent sneaking blow to who I am, who I had been to my family and how I wanted to be. I can’t take that back, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made or ignore them. While I may not have noticed the depths of despair and fear in my heart over the last 15 months due to the illness, I am still responsible. I hurt my family in subtle yet massively painful ways.

My goal since October 12th 2005 has always been to do right by Zoe, and to truly love her without condition. When Zandr was born I felt the same for him, and the same with Mikey. Sadly due to fear of failing them and an inability to cast away self doubt I let myself spiral ever downward into a place where I could no longer feel anything but anger, sadness and despair. The worst part is I couldn’t see it even at the end. It took me losing everything important to me to wake me up from the horror I’d become. That whole time is there replaying in my head fuzzily. It’s like I was in the backseat of my own brain wanting desperately to scream but I had no voice, no ability to reason with myself. My heart knew the truth, that Zoe, Zandr & Mikey had captured my heart and soul from the moment I met them, but I could not think it or know it any longer.

Depression is an evil evil disease that can cause good people to do bad things or at the very least make them incapable of making the right choices. Even now that I’m a few weeks into treatment for it and am finally painfully aware of how bad I became, I can still feel it probing at my heart looking for a way to once more take the reins and lead me back down. I’m crawling out of the hole finally. It sadly is something that has to be done alone. Only I can find the path back to unity of my heart and soul, I have guides in the form of therapists, counselors & medication but the act of healing comes from within. I do want to thank the people who have given me advice & have spent time with me to ease the burden weighing me down though. Each moment is different and some are almost unbearable. I disagree with some of the things they’ve said but the feeling of support makes me still listen.

Every day has been a struggle, at night I fight back against the pain of loneliness in my empty house. The feelings of home and happiness now just a memory. I don’t know how to make amends to those three amazing people who inspired me to be a better man. I’m sorry I failed to realize their hopes for me. I took in their love and cast back sullen sadness no matter how much I wanted to rejoice with them in the amazing journey of life. I turned my back on my best friend, lover and wife. I turned my back on our two amazing joyful sons. Instead I let fear, doubt, distrust & anger rule me. Did they do anything to deserve this? No, instead they bore the brunt of my issues and yet still tried to support me and to help me. That my friends is what love is. Doing what is required of you for the betterment of each other and sacrificing for happiness. I used to know that and knew it intrinsically with every cell in my body and every facet of my soul. Depression took that knowledge and locked it away for a long terrible dark time.

I will not let myself fall back into the pit of despair, I have found once more that which makes me a good man. I have forgiven myself for I knew not what I did. I can not forget for I will bear the scars for the treatment I gave my loved ones till the end of my days. I will not forget there is a higher power who can give strength and help to those who ask for it. I will not ever let myself stop being the good person I know I am.

I know you’re too young to understand what’s going on right now. Know that I love you guys with all my heart and soul, that I miss you so much and that this isn’t anything you guys did. All I want right now is to feel your arms hug me and to wrap my arms around you and hold you both close. You two and your mommy are the most important people in all the world to me. Seeing your faces when I first wake up every morning is the best part of my workday other than coming home to you guys.

I’m sorry that I’ve ever yelled at you, I know that must be scary. I’m so sorry Zandr that I’ve been unable to fix your legs and arms and that due to my own exhaustion haven’t been able to read to you as often as I’d like. Seeing you boys in pain is the most anguishing experiencing in my life with the exception of having you taken away from me.  When you Mikey give me a hug and then scootch back onto my lap to sit down that always warms my heart in ways I never knew I could until after you guys were born.

The last week since I haven’t been able to talk to you guys I’ve listened to the saved voicemails I had of you both and looked through all the pictures I have desiring nothing more than to have you fall asleep cuddled up with me feeling safe, happy and warm.
Know that no matter what happens, that mommy and daddy love you guys so much and that we both just want to do what we feel is best for you. I love you boys so much and being away from all of you is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I miss you both so much and hope that I can see you soon.

I am so thankful to your mom that she felt that I would be a good husband to her and a great father to you boys, she is one of the best things that ever happened in my life as are both of you. It sucks that it took this happening to make me fully realize that. I miss you guys. I love you guys.

When your mommy asked me to give her a baby, I had no idea just how powerfully being a parent would affect me, I knew I’d love you and that you’d be amazing but mere words can’t hold a candle to how totally amazing and beautiful you boys are. Everytime you say “Daddy” or “I love you” Zandr my heart melts a little bit.

Your loving dad,

Cris

1. Stop being angered. I’m going to counseling tomorrow and will go everyday if I have to until I can feel good about not yelling at people or making people feel threatened. Intimidating or hurting others is anathema to who I am and how I wish to be. I may never have struck anyone in anger or not but I will not let my temper rule me.
2. I’m going to deal with my depression, my conflict and my overall stress level when it happens instead of waiting for things to get too heavy for me to bear.
3. I’m going to go back to work and accomplish my goals if I cannot do so through my current situation I will find something better and stick with it to provide better security for my life.
4. Never spank my children at all. I know it’s harder to discipline children when you don’t use spankings but I don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do it anymore.
5. I’m going to find happiness again, first in myself and then in others. My friends and family used to be my sole source of happiness since deep inside I haven’t really been happy with myself since I was young. I will find happiness in myself.
6. I’m going to prove to myself that I can be who I want by making myself a better person. I am a good person that has let personality flaws, faults and issues cloud my judgement and actions and that is not who I am or who I will allow myself to be perceived as.
7. I’m going to stop smoking by the end of the year. Done. I need to be healthy for myself, my boys and smoking only wastes money and causes health problems.
8. I’m going to stop eating unhealthy food. I eat far too much junk food. I will only be eating real food and not processed junk anymore.
9. I’m going to stop drinking unhealthy beverages. Beer, wine, soda all of it. Done. I need to be healthier and consuming so much soda isn’t good. I don’t drink much but every little bit helps.
10. I’m going to exercise. I keep saying I need to lose weight and get in better shape but keep making excuses about it. That stops now. I’ve spent the last couple mornings doing situps and pushups soon I’ll be doing some jogging. I need to be healthier about myself in every way.
11. I’m going to stop sitting on my ass and start living life. All too often I’ve come home from work exhausted and instead of spending quality time with my family I chose to zone out watching tv. That’s done. I need to return to the days of reading, learning and spending real quality time with those I care about.
12. I’m going to stop talking so damned much. Odds are if I’ve talked with someone I’ve tried to dominate the conversation. I don’t know the reasons why but deep down maybe I just feel that I need verification of my opinions. Or it could be I just crave the attention.
13. I’m going to set myself a budget that allows me to save money every month and pay back and pay off bills in the past. Getting ahead instead of languishing behind.
14. I’m going to stop using the internet as much. I retreat into my vice of using the internet too much. I’m not a gaming addict or porn freak or anything like that. I just love the shear amount of information the internet provides but I turn to it as a distraction too much for it to be healthy.
15. I’m going to start thinking before I speak. All too often my mouth has spoken things I didn’t mean and didn’t ever want to say or have caused me to drone on and on about nothing instead of truly knowing exactly what I wanted to say. That stops now.
16. I’m going to find confidence again, since the birth of my son Mikey I have struggled with depression over affording bills for my family, the stress of a job I didn’t like and by deep feelings of letting my family down. When I lost that job I felt crippled by zero confidence in myself. I need to regain the strength I felt and to feel confident again.
17. I’m going to improve my self esteem. I am a good person and have made mistakes and been misunderstood but I am a good person and have good ethics and morals.
18. I’m going to clean my garage and get rid of things I don’t need. Material items all too easily distract from people. I’m going to be a better neighbor and colleagues. I need to be there for my neighbors & coworkers when they need me.
19. I’m going to take more time for my friends instead of time with my friends.
20. I’m going to listen far more than I speak. I run at the mouth to hide my own insecurities. It only serves to make me look foolish which reinforces my insecurities.
21. I’m going to make sure I understand something before I say I do. All to often I’ve said I understand while leaping instead to wrong conclusions. That’s not fair to other people or myself.
22. I’m going to respect myself, my friends and family more than I do now and show that respect in my interactions with them.
23. I’m going to give up politics, all it does is frustrate or annoy me or worse yet, makes me wallow in negativity. No more. I’m concerned about the future of our boys but not to the point of it overshadowing my relationship with them.
24. I’m going to stand up for myself and be heard truthfully. In the past I’ve had issues with lying but when I met my wife I stopped all that. I didn’t want to do anything like that for her. While that’s a noble intention I don’t want to lie (even white lies) for myself first and foremost and then my family.
25. I’m done giving into the fears and doubts in me. Those parts of me are not healthy and will no longer be allowed to exist. If I sense fears and doubts that only serve to cause me turmoil, they’re gone.

All of this starts now or started September 24th and will be an ongoing effort to align how I am with who I want to be. I’ll likely be updating every day now with a quick note of which ones I feel like I am improving and which I need to work harder on.

Anyhow the last bit of 2008 had some very odd ups and downs. Let’s start with the upside though:

• Launched the website for my newest endeavor: Slate Technologies woo. Looks great and was designed by the team over at Duel Designs who do such excellent work that they’re now part of the Slate Technologies team (which is very cool and will help us launch quite a few spectacular projects coming very very soon).
• Started putting more effort into No Filter Fridays, which for those of you who are fans there is now a twitter account called succinctly enough nofilterfriday. Up next on that plate is a weekly podcast with video and some other coolness

On the downside at the end of 2008 was some family drama. Sucks that it had to happen but nice to finally know what type of people some of my relatives are.

Into 2009 we have even more great news!

• I got to have a whole week with my awesome wife Zoe while the boys were off visiting Grandma. It was like a 2nd honeymoon of awesomeness!
• Slate Technologies took just a short 3 months to outgrow Cubespace so we’re moving on down the road to a much bigger place which is good since our team has now grown from 2 of us all the way to 7 of us! Holy crap!?
• We managed to set up a couple of strategic partnerships with a couple of different local startups
• A launch page has been setup for the WordPress Dreamteam site.

Aside from trying to launch multiple products, setup new sites, migrate friend’s websites to better hosting I also found my time even further in demand due to the obligations of being both a “charter member” of the Portland WordPress user group (I’m not entirely sure what a “charter member” does only that it sounds somewhat cool with just a dash of pretentious) as well as being one of the Legion of Tech‘s new board members.

In just the last week I’ve managed to juggle a whopping 5 different projects all while attempting to deal with an impacted abcessed wisdom tooth. Finally managed to get into a dentist today and got a prescription for antibiotics & Tylenol 3. Biggest upshot of the dentist appointment was getting to see just how badly impacted my wisdom tooth is. Ow!

I am setting aside some time to post more often (Friday’s between 2 and 3 I will get a post up no matter what) as well as get back to posting less about work and more about the family and I.

Anyhow there’s a nice tasty little update on what the hell I’ve been doing with my time and if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go enjoy some of the painfree time I’m getting to experience after a week of agony :D

1. If you had one tweet to summarize yourself what would it be?

“Redheaded, polyamorous, badass, tattooed, intellectual freak of nature. Wife, mother, friend, lover, complicated, musical, passionate.”

2. You won a pretty prestigious scholarship recently. What was it and how has it affected you?

I was awarded the Ford Family Foundation ReStart scholarship.  It is an amazing scholarship given to individuals over 25 who have limited college experience and are looking to educate themselves after devoting their adult life to raising a family or serving the community.

Being awarded the ReStart scholarship has been amazing for me.  I have been able to aggressively pursue the education I want at the institution I want without fear of having to pick up a full time job to help my family survive.  The scholarship is significant enough that I will also be able to graduate with less than $20,000 in student loans, which is amazing in this day and age.

3. I see you have a blog, what inspired it?

I began my blog in November of 2004, one month after I started reviewing adult toys for Freddy and Eddy; someone mentioned that a blog would be a reasonable step for me, since I love to write.  I had been a regular contributor on different forum systems and offered advice there, so it made perfect sense to begin a blog and start sharing the twists and turns of my life.  The self discovery and amazing journey has been a side benefit, but a pretty significant one.

4. You seem proud of your celtic heritage, what made you embrace it?

I think, honestly, I’ve been pretty well reminded of my heritage since I was young.  My grandparents brought home kilts for all of us after a trip to Europe when I was around 6 or so; my sister has hers framed in a shadow box and I plan to do the same.  Both of my parents are very interested in genealogy and have helped me study my family’s roots, which in turn got me interested in researching these people that I came from.  Beyond the bloodline, I have always felt a very real connection to Celtic spirituality and think that it is an important part of how I see myself.

5. Do you consider yourself a “sex blogger”

I sure do.  While I blog about things other than sex, my primary focus still tends to revolve around sensuality and eroticism.  I feel more at home in the “sex blogger” community than any other blogging “caste”, so to speak.

6. Since you’ve become a parent, how has that changed your sex life?

Well, that depends.  I think that my sex life has actually been more affected by my being a student than by being a parent, but both of those roles do directly affect my sexuality.  As a parent, I have responsibilities to care for my children and I expend a lot of energy doing so.  As a student, I have responsibilities to focus on my studies and do what it takes to get the most out of my schooling.  There difference between the two is that I can get help with parenting duties (can and, for the most part anymore, do get help) whereas I can’t ask someone else to do my studying for me and expect to learn anything.  Similarly, I don’t think that being a mom has adversely affected my ability to be a kinky, perverted sex goddess long term – in the beginning it took some reconciling my different roles.

7. You posted weeks ago on your blog that you “came out” about being poly to your speech class. Were you nervous?

Are you kidding?  I was pacing and ready to vomit going into that class, but I felt that if I was to be truly honest about who I am and what is important to me I had to find the courage to tell the truth about my family.

8. How did your classmates react?

Honestly, I was a little disappointed in the LACK of reaction.  No one asked any questions about polyamory afterwards, and only two of my classmates have said anything since then.  Both were positive and nonjudgmental about it, so I can’t complain there.

9. What inspires you about each of the following: parenting, education, technology, sexuality

I think, with parenting, what inspires me the most is the community of people I know and love.  My husbands and wife, my friends with children, other bloggers with children, Ian and Alicia Denchasy (of freddyandeddy.com), and realistically the entire support structure of friends and family I have surrounded myself with.  We all have different personalities and I see a great many wonderful things in each person that I can try to instill in my children.

10. What’s the most important object on the planet to you?

Object?  Oooooh, that’s hard.  I would say a computer, but that’s not entirely realistic.  I think the most important OBJECT on the planet to me is my cello.

11. Why is it so important?

All through my life, I have been a very subdued person.  Music is the only thing that brings out the passionate side of me, the personality that is always hidden behind these walls and defenses.  My cello has the strongest effect on me, and without that, without the opportunity to express my true personality, I am nothing.

12. Worst thing you’ve ever done to someone?

Heh… I had to think about this one for a LONG time.  I think the worst thing I’ve done to someone is put a rainbow sticker on a severely homophobic person’s car.

13. Did they deserve it?

Oh, she definitely deserved it.  Trust me.

14. How would you change the world to make it better?

I would magically make people tolerant to alternative lifestyles.

15. Favorite 5 bloggers?

Oh crap… this is a hard one. Besides you? The five that I’ve been following religiously the longest are:

• Twisted Monk
• Shay
• Ell
• Goose and Gander
• Bondage Blog

I have SO many more that I follow now, though, and have made a ridiculous number of blogfriends in the last several months that it’s ridiculously hard to answer that question without feeling like I’m missing a bunch of people.

If you’d like to learn more about Angela you can find her here:

@CelticFrog
SwelteringCelt.com (this is not very work safe so surf with caution)

Which brings me to a little experiment I’m trying out. Every Friday between 3pm and 5pm I will be engaging in #nofilterfriday. This means I’ll say whatever pops into my head and most importantly will honestly answer any questions that I’m asked. This will be difficult and I will honestly say there are very few subjects that I won’t respond well to (too private of info about my wife and kids for example).

I’ve already had a few questions asked in the original test #nofilterfriday.

sewmyheadon: @chrisorourke #nofilterfriday what pisses you off most about the iPhone?

@chrisorourke: @sewmyheadon The fact that a progressive forward thinking company like Apple did a deal with ATT. Apple could’ve been the first successful..
MVNO. Imagine paying your phone bill with itunes? Simple. Everything apple tied together. Really surprised they didn’t do it.

verso: @chrisorourke #nofilterfriday what is the thing from High School you look back on that still FULLY embarrasses you?

chrisorourke: @verso 1992: huge screwup during the ballad at the U of O marching band show during prelims. I played loud perc notes during flute solo.