Growing it out wasn’t too big of an issue until it hit that irritating in-between state where it literally couldn’t be anything than a mass of curly nonsense.

Prepping to get my hair cut.

Other things I’d forgotten about having long hair:

1. My hair is REALLY curly when long. This means tangles.
2. It’s REALLY big when long anytime it gets humid. I live in Portland, Oregon. It rains heavily here, which means “Poof!”
3. People treat you differently if you haven’t shaved on Saturday AND you have long hair.
4. The winter time is nice for keeping your neck warm.
5. I used much more shampoo and conditioner which got expensive.

The bag containing my hair ready to ship to Locks of Love

All in all while a few people gave me grief about it (including one recruiter who hounded me weekly until they saw a picture of me and said “charity shmarity, long hair is unprofessional”) I got many congratulations and compliments for daring to buck the short hair on men business trend.

Going to give it another try in a year or two and hopefully will convince 2-3 others to do it with me. Hell you even get a free haircut at the end if you have Great Clips cut your hair when you go to donate.

There is so much more that can be done but with the excellent Locks of Love organization you can literally just do your normal routine and then after it grows enough; you can help make a small difference in a child’s life!

Instant clean-cut, just simply remove hair

Granted many of you can’t grow your hair for a variety of reasons, there are literally hundreds of

different ways that you can make a difference in the life of someone. Donating blood, old clothes, your time, your expertise all are ways you can do good in your own community!

Dear Senator Boehner,

You ran on a platform of “Where are the jobs” promising to make sure American’s get back to work. You had a plan to do so, you said. You won, and now we’re all still waiting to see your plan to get people working again, only you still haven’t shared it. You don’t seem to have one. It’s strange, I was raised to believe if you knew how to help people you did it freely and with joy because “it’s the Christian thing to do” or as many Americans are taught in Sunday school “sharing is caring”. I don’t know how you were raised but I was always taught and believe even today that people are more important than money. Somehow the Republican party seems to have forgotten that.

Please explain why with the Bush tax cuts in effect since 2003 we’re still losing jobs and have been for months. Please explain how cutting the size of government will increase employment, it seems to me that will in fact add more to the rolls of the unemployed. Please explain the mathematical formula you used to calculate that the democrats are at fault for a recession that started 3 years before they took back the senate and house. The blame game really doesn’t work anymore now that we’re in a world where things like wikileaks, anonymous and others dedicated to a free transparent open government expect. The historical record has a habit of not being kind to people who cheat and push responsibility elsewhere. Do you want that to be your footnote in the history books? Stand up for what’s right and be a beacon of hope instead of delivering more fear and blame.

I understand party affiliation, I understand fighting for what you believe in. But how can you say that giving the extremely wealthy a tax cut while millions of Americans can’t get a job is a good idea? If more Americans are out of work they stop buying retail goods, they stop paying utilities which in turn causes those companies to let employees go which compounds the problem. The evidence of that is in front of you yet for some reason your party sides with the wealthy every time. That’s your right as a free American to choose to side with the wealthy, but wouldn’t that also compel you to stop using the conservative base that straddle the poverty line to get elected? If you want to represent the wealthy don’t do it in government, do it in the private sector because in government you’re only hurting all Americans to enrich a very few.

Please if you care about this country and all it’s myriad people you’ll stop putting the wealthy before ALL Americans.

TSA

to the tune of the Village People’s YMCA

Young man, there’s no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, ’cause you’re flying to town
There’s no need to be unhappy.

Young man, there’s a place you can go.
I said, young man, when you’ need to feel aglow.
You can stand there, and I’m sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.
It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.

They’ll grab everything that you need to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the TSA boys …

It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.
It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.

You can get yourself xrayed, you can have a good meal
You can do whatever if you just let them feel …

Young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, what do you want it to be?
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams.
But you’ve got to choose this TSA groping!

No man does it all by himself.
I said, young man, put your keys on the shelf,
And just go get groped by the T.S.A.
I’m sure they will grope you today.

It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.
It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A..

They’ll grab everything that you need to enjoy,
You can groped by all the TSA boys …

It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.
It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.

You can get yourself xrayed, you can have a good meal,
Just so long as you let them feel …

Young man, I said take off your shoes.
I said, you look like you got the terrorist blues.
I felt him check if my bottom was tight.
I felt the whole world was so leaning right …

That’s when someone came up to me,
And said, young man, take a walk to your gate.
There’s a  place before there called the T.S.A.
Why not get hired since groping’s your way?

It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.
It’s fun to get groped by the T-S-A.

They have everything that you need to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys …

T-S-A

It’s fun to stay at the T-S-A
Young man, young man there’s no need to feel down
Young man, young man take yourself to the T.S.A. ground

T-S-A

then just go to the T-S-A
young man, young man I was once in your shoes
young man, young man I said, I was down and out with the flying blues.
T-S-A.”

You know, I like flying. I really do. What I don’t like though is a system that hearkens back to the first time I played Half Life 2. We’re a free country so why do I have to stand in a line to be sexually assaulted or get inundated with xrays that even airlines are telling pilots not to use? Yeah the people who fly our planes are told to get sexually assaulted rather than get xrayed. That should tell you something. Our government officials heading up the TSA think that sexual assault is not a big deal for travelers.

I am pleased to note that you’re bringing your Star Wars franchise to Blu-Ray, really I am. I just really think the whole “Han shot second” crap undermines the story (him coming back to help Luke loses all meaning if he’s not established as a douche).

Since you started on the prequels, you’ve forgotten the story and only added special effects (which, contrary to your opinions, don’t actually improve movies). I think I heard you say at least once “it’s the story stupid”, though that might have been your talented, good friend Steven Spielberg. Who, speaking of him, really should have had you beaten repeatedly for the abomination that was the last Indiana Jones movie.

What you’re doing to the Star Wars universe is worse than anything a Sith lord could ever do to it. Just stop screwing up beauty,and count your piles of cash or something. The fact that you’re incapable of figuring out that you’ve become an awful director (in spite of those previously mentioned piles of cash usable to hire competent people) worries me greatly since it’s been 4 years almost since you announced a Star Wars tv show. The fact that you’re helming it makes me think it’s quite possible that finally you’ll top the Christmas special and release something so terrible that it is quickly outlawed for being toxic and a crime against humanity (yes I in fact mean something worse than “Tremors” the tv show).

If you truly care about your characters and want Star Wars to continue to be a popular beloved franchise, stop mucking it up already! The South Park guys hit the nail on the head: you’re sick, you need help, and all you’re doing is slapping a coat of new, cheap paint over the original masterpiece.

Sincerely,

A lifelong Star Wars fan (in spite of what you’ve done to the series).

We had eight years of
Bush and Cheney, but now you get mad!
You didn’t get mad when
the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a
President.

You didn’t get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy.You didn’t get mad when a covert CIA operative got ousted.

You didn’t get mad when
the Patriot Act got passed..

You didn’t get mad when
we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.

You didn’t get mad when
we spent over 600 billion(and counting) on said illegal war.

You didn’t get mad when
over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq.

You didn’t get mad when
you found out we were torturing people.

You didn’t get mad when
the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.

You didn’t get mad when
we didn’t catch Bin Laden.

You didn’t get mad when
you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

You didn’t get mad when
we let a major US city drown.

You didn’t get mad when
we gave a 900 billion tax break to the rich.

You didn’t get mad when, using reconciliation; a trillion dollars of our tax dollars were redirected to insurance companies for Medicare Advantage which cost over 20 percent more for basically the same services that Medicare provides.

You didn’t get mad when
the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark, and our debt hit the thirteen trillion dollar mark.

You finally got mad
when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all okay with you, but helping other Americans… oh hell no.

AND NOW YOU’RE MAD?!

When you can actually act like grownups instead of screaming harpies that just protest without offering a balanced opinion then and only then will you be worthy of hearing out. Until then though you’re just more cacophony hindering progress towards a sustainable profitable tomorrow.

What’s really interesting is realizing more and more that in order for me to be truly happy I need to embrace the person I was from age 19-22 much, much more.  I lived life in many ways like a hippy or beatnik. I worked when I needed money, I slept if I needed to but above all I never compromised my own values or ethics while at the same time keeping to my promise to always be equally mutually beneficial to any interactions I had. I forgot that along the way and that imbalance contributed to a lot of hurt to a lot of people who didn’t deserve it including myself. The adage “be true to yourself” means accepting the flaws inherent to who you are too.

I’m by no means glossing over my own immaturities throughout my life but there is a certain raw natural instinct that guides us at that age before the outside world forces us to change to be a better fit in society. The real question then is how useful is society if it requires that we not be ourselves (obvious nonharmful to others qualifier). So much of our society is about making a better you with stuff and lesser so on excelling on being ourselves.Why can’t we instead work towards promoting a better species instead of just being a vast network of interdependent snake oil salesmen.

So who is this new me? Or rather what is the “me” that has returned? That’s really an observational thing so find me somewhere at any of my favorite Portland haunts and see for yourself :D

Mine are currently:

1. All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix: That song originally a tune by Bob Dylan is completely and totally owned by Hendrix (he plays almost every guitar part in the song). Great taken to the level of perfection. This coupled with the fact the lyrics always really resonated with me (and slightly reminds me of Stephen King’s Dark Tower somehow).

2. White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane: A fantastic melodic & percussive rhythm perfectly crafted to hit you like a one, two punch of awesome in perfect compliment to Grace Slick’s perfect delivery and the impact her amazing voice has.

3. If I ever leave this world alive by Flogging Molly: This song didn’t make much sense to me personally until I fell in love and became a parent. So melancholy yet at the same time so hopeful and optimistic, the song has become even more something I find myself humming or singing in the shower or while puttering around handling errands.

4. Someone by Ascension: One of the best dance tracks ever recorded and brilliantly mixed by Paul Oakenfold this song has great music but above all the simple statements in the lyrics (very simple) have tremendous impact. When writing my marriage vows this song, this simple little song inspired me because it was one of “our” songs and the lyrics were and still to my heart are exactly true of how I feel about her.

5. Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty: One of the earliest songs I remember hearing and also responsible for the huge popularity of the saxophone throughout the early ’80s. The bittersweet quality of the lyrics always tend to really hit me the most right when I need them to.

So that’s my list and as always to participate all you need to do is comment. The let me know and I’ll post a link back to your blog the same way I did for the first experiment.

Riviera’s at first glance look quite a bit like a Westfalia however the fiberglass poptop functions quite differently. Produced by Riviera Motors (right here in the Portland Metro area) via the excellent work of ASI the campers are unique and vary quite a bit over the years. However this post isn’t about all those other Rivi’s. This post is about my Susie. She’s not in perfect shape currently but I’m working on that in what spare time I do have (beats video games or tv any day of the week).

So Saturday I called on 6 different busses and the only person that answered was Triana a nice woman who loved Susie but had to part with her (interestingly enough due to very similar circumstances to Zoe & I) and a meeting was setup for me to come take a look at her. I grabbed a ride from my friend Chris and made the 25 mile trek in what seemed like years of travel time. Pulling into the driveway I was immediately in love. Clean lines, very little rust and that simple understated beauty that the VW bus design had..

Anyhow my current worklist for her is:

• Get the heater repaired (it’s a bit cold driving her without heat).
• Rebuild the engine.
• Strip and replace all of the seals on doors and windows.
• Repair and refinish the fiberglass poptop to the correct shininess
• Replace the canvas on the poptop (it’s 36 years old after all).
• Repair the spots where there is rust damage (windshield area).
• Strip and paint her a different color (most likely “Sumatra Green” which was an actual color from back in the day, though I might go with “element hoody green” as well depending ;) Regardless will also be doing some pinstriping using a tribal frog logo I’ve been working on for a few years for this precise sort of project.
• Full rewiring of all interior features
• Install a tachometer
• Replace the upholstery and refinish the entire interior (carpeting, curtains, paneling, kickpanels).
• Soundproof and insulate the entire interior
• Find and/or build interior cabinets for a 73 Riviera or Westfalia (haven’t really decided yet which I’d prefer).
• Get a new stereo for her
• Replace the door locks
• Replace the original seat belts with 3 point spooled belts.

Yeah that’s a pretty hefty list off the top of my head and there’s probably a lot more she needs. She’s a big project but she deserves it and more importantly I do too. It’s a task that doesn’t involve shortcuts or intangible results the way the majority of my computer related hobbies do. I’m already planning on buying a non camper bus to use for parts though would probably start with it being my daily driver while I strip Susie bare to paint/seal the interior and exterior. All in all while I love the idea of putting her back to factory original look so I can show her off at autoshows and VW meetups I think I’m going to focus on a 80% factory original 20% updated look for her.

Anyways since I promised some folks over on various sites that I’d do the mugshot style pictures of her during each step of the restoration process here are the first “raw” pics of her before I have done anything. My goal is to have the majority of the list crossed off by the time that next summer arrives. I want to take the family camping in her so badly. I also want to make sure that Susie is a good stable longterm investment since we’ve always had the goal of sending Zandr off to college in a bus. Is this that bus? I hope so :D

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

We all await the answers to our hearts, to the questions in our souls. I used to think that the fear that the answer wouldn’t be what you want was the worst thing of all. Not at all I know now, quite to the contrary. The hardest part is waiting with baited breath, every cell anticipating, needing to know, needing that sense of resolution and knowing that no matter what there is no way to hurry it along, no way to have the solution, no way to resolve things without patience. Now that I know that it’s a lot easier to find the strength to just wait and focus on what it is that’s important: health, humility and above all being comfortable with lack of control :D

Thank you Beatles for pointing that stuff out to me :D

This weekend was a cathartic kismet roller coaster leading me to and fro inside and outside of my heart. Almost like an acid trip only of sobriety and understanding. If I didn’t know better I’d guess I dreamed all or most of it. all in all it keeps leading me back to what I somehow always knew to be true but even more bizarrely somehow forgot for awhile, I love my wife, my lady, my best friend, my confidant, my lover. I love you Zoe and I’ve been giving some thought to what you said to me the last time we spoke.

You’re absolutely right, there is no way we can go back to the early days of our relationship, our marriage….I don’t want that. It wasn’t stable or all that healthy. I want something more and you deserve something more. I want an incredible loving, passionate, respectful marriage with you. I love you with all my heart and am doing my best to leave you alone right now even though all of me wants to fight for your heart. I understand now that talking isn’t the way to fix us. Me fixing our finances, budget, my attitude and my anger is what it will take to do so. I am fixing all of that as well as I can and just hope it is enough for you.

Namaste!

To all of the new friends I made this week and to those friends that have been my guides through the wilderness I’ve travelled heart and soul through the last 30 days I thank you from the bottom of my heart and appreciate the clarity, growth, acceptance and above all understanding you’ve given me.

I am not entirely blameless in the situation, an ugly disease called depression struck a silent sneaking blow to who I am, who I had been to my family and how I wanted to be. I can’t take that back, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made or ignore them. While I may not have noticed the depths of despair and fear in my heart over the last 15 months due to the illness, I am still responsible. I hurt my family in subtle yet massively painful ways.

My goal since October 12th 2005 has always been to do right by Zoe, and to truly love her without condition. When Zandr was born I felt the same for him, and the same with Mikey. Sadly due to fear of failing them and an inability to cast away self doubt I let myself spiral ever downward into a place where I could no longer feel anything but anger, sadness and despair turned inward towards myself. A need to push everyone I knew away from me, because I felt..I knew I was a failure. It made me numb.. The worst part is I couldn’t see it even at the end. It took me losing everything important to me to wake me up from the horror I’d become. That whole time is there replaying in my head fuzzily. It’s like I was in the backseat of my own brain wanting desperately to scream but I had no voice, no ability to reason with myself. My heart knew the truth, that Zoe, Zandr & Mikey had captured my heart and soul from the moment I met them, but I could not think it or know it any longer.

Depression is an evil evil disease that can cause good people to do bad things or at the very least make them incapable of making the right choices. Even now that I’m a few weeks into treatment for it and am finally painfully aware of how bad I became, I can still feel it probing at my heart looking for a way to once more take the reins and lead me back down. I’m crawling out of the hole finally. It sadly is something that has to be done alone. Only I can find the path back to unity of my heart and soul, I have guides in the form of therapists, counselors & medication but the act of healing comes from within. I do want to thank the people who have given me advice & have spent time with me to ease the burden weighing me down though. Each moment is different and some are almost unbearable. I disagree with some of the things they’ve said but the feeling of support makes me still listen.

Every day has been a struggle, at night I fight back against the pain of loneliness in my empty house. The feelings of home and happiness now just a memory. I don’t know how to make amends to those three amazing people who inspired me to be a better man. I’m sorry I failed to realize their hopes for me. I took in their love and cast back sullen sadness no matter how much I wanted to rejoice with them in the amazing journey of life. I turned my back on my best friend, lover and wife. I turned my back on our two amazing joyful sons. Instead I let fear, doubt, & distrust rule me. Did they do anything to deserve this? No,  That my friends is what love is. Doing what is required of you for the betterment of each other and sacrificing for happiness. I used to know that and knew it intrinsically with every cell in my body and every facet of my soul. Depression took that knowledge and locked it away for a long terrible dark time.

I will not let myself fall back into the pit of despair, I have found once more that which makes me a good man. I have forgiven myself for I knew not what I did. I can not forget for I will bear the scars for the treatment I gave my loved ones till the end of my days. I will not ever let myself stop being the good person I know I am.