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Ever find yourself in a hole you dug yourself and think, “self, how did I get in this hole?”. If so you’re not doing it right, what you should be thinking is how to get out of the hole and how to avoid falling in any more (or digging your own since that is even more vastly stupid). Obviously that must be it since you’re in the bottom of a hole, the faintest gimpse of light above beckoning you to get your life back on track.
Sounds plausible right? Wrong. Truthfully the important thing is to learn from your past and to use that knowledge and awareness as strength to make sure that you can handle falling into or digging these holes. We’re human, flawed, & imperfect creatures and the best we can strive for everyday is to be good people. We’ll make mistakes, hurt others, hurt ourselves, not intentionally but through our actions and inactions. all we can do is rely in ourselves to learn, and improve. I’m doing that now and I hope all of you are too.

The good news is once you’ve found the knowledge it does get easier, not instantly but every moment it eases fractionally. The situations (yes plural) I’m in right now all seem to be at root the same issue, ultimately that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that each situation has a lesson to be learned. Some of them are painful lessons, some are sad lessons but really they’re all good lessons so long as I take something away from the situation. What’s even better is the very act of trying to dig yourself out of a hole the right way means you get more lessons and even better a greater understanding of how to be a good person. All you need to do is hold onto that inner strength and your faith in yourself and God and there’s pretty much no hole you can’t escape. It’ll just take time, belief and above all the strength to fall back from time to time. Throughout all of this I’ve discovered far deeper reserves of strength then I knew I had, now I know that I can withstand far more pain & hurt than I even thought possible. That strength has stripped away most of the fear, anger and depression that had been clouding my mind and leading me  into far more holes than needed.

Namaste :D

It’s been awhile since I’ve had the strength to think or type anything of import. Day after day I’m left reeling by the realizations of what I’ve done, what I’ve lost and why. Some may say my transgressions are minor and that they are not something to get this worked up about. They’re wrong. I sacrificed the happiness of my family without their regard. I made decisions affecting the happiness and potential of those that matter most to me in the name of success. Success isn’t something you can make, it’s something you earn. Earned by the fires of self sacrifice and doing what is right for those around you.

I am not entirely blameless in the situation, an ugly disease called depression struck a silent sneaking blow to who I am, who I had been to my family and how I wanted to be. I can’t take that back, I can’t undo the mistakes I’ve made or ignore them. While I may not have noticed the depths of despair and fear in my heart over the last 15 months due to the illness, I am still responsible. I hurt my family in subtle yet massively painful ways.

My goal since October 12th 2005 has always been to do right by Zoe, and to truly love her without condition. When Zandr was born I felt the same for him, and the same with Mikey. Sadly due to fear of failing them and an inability to cast away self doubt I let myself spiral ever downward into a place where I could no longer feel anything but anger, sadness and despair. The worst part is I couldn’t see it even at the end. It took me losing everything important to me to wake me up from the horror I’d become. That whole time is there replaying in my head fuzzily. It’s like I was in the backseat of my own brain wanting desperately to scream but I had no voice, no ability to reason with myself. My heart knew the truth, that Zoe, Zandr & Mikey had captured my heart and soul from the moment I met them, but I could not think it or know it any longer.

Depression is an evil evil disease that can cause good people to do bad things or at the very least make them incapable of making the right choices. Even now that I’m a few weeks into treatment for it and am finally painfully aware of how bad I became, I can still feel it probing at my heart looking for a way to once more take the reins and lead me back down. I’m crawling out of the hole finally. It sadly is something that has to be done alone. Only I can find the path back to unity of my heart and soul, I have guides in the form of therapists, counselors & medication but the act of healing comes from within. I do want to thank the people who have given me advice & have spent time with me to ease the burden weighing me down though. Each moment is different and some are almost unbearable. I disagree with some of the things they’ve said but the feeling of support makes me still listen.

Every day has been a struggle, at night I fight back against the pain of loneliness in my empty house. The feelings of home and happiness now just a memory. I don’t know how to make amends to those three amazing people who inspired me to be a better man. I’m sorry I failed to realize their hopes for me. I took in their love and cast back sullen sadness no matter how much I wanted to rejoice with them in the amazing journey of life. I turned my back on my best friend, lover and wife. I turned my back on our two amazing joyful sons. Instead I let fear, doubt, distrust & anger rule me. Did they do anything to deserve this? No, instead they bore the brunt of my issues and yet still tried to support me and to help me. That my friends is what love is. Doing what is required of you for the betterment of each other and sacrificing for happiness. I used to know that and knew it intrinsically with every cell in my body and every facet of my soul. Depression took that knowledge and locked it away for a long terrible dark time.

I will not let myself fall back into the pit of despair, I have found once more that which makes me a good man. I have forgiven myself for I knew not what I did. I can not forget for I will bear the scars for the treatment I gave my loved ones till the end of my days. I will not forget there is a higher power who can give strength and help to those who ask for it. I will not ever let myself stop being the good person I know I am.

So my wife Zoe & I are buying a house, in this economy that seems like a silly idea. Actually it’s not entirely silly since property values are so low right now. However with the complexity of banking habits right now plus the fact that I started a little business called Slate Technologies I don’t have the resources or the desire to actually deal with navigating the banking waters.

So anyhow, the idea I had (yet another one of my strange social experiments) is to see if I can crowdsource buying my house. The idea is to still pay everyone back that donates but to do it without paying all of those spurious fees to banks, real estate brokers and everyone else that skims money off of the top. To be fair I love most real estate brokers, in this case however we love the property but the agent is a giant bag of suck.

I could say more and be even more flowery in my speech but in this case short, sweet and succinct seems like the best plan. Below is the donate button. All donations will be credited with name (and or twitter handle if you’d like) in list form as the experiment continues.

Easy peasy right?

We all did, every single American, all of us. From the depths of Southern Georgia to Northernmost Alaska, from Allentown, PA to Santa Clara, CA. Americans rose up and voted their hearts, their dreams and their minds.

President Elect Barack Obama

The turnout nationwide was massive. Early voters, and those brave noble souls who stood in line for hours in rain and sleet together did something historic. No matter if your candidates won or not, America proved the worthy nation that she is to everyone across the world. We may not be perfect, we may be unbloodied but we spoke together united as one, united in our abilities to speak our minds, our hearts and to exercise that right that makes us the grand democracy that we are.

To those many thousands that volunteered, working phone banks, fundraising, and working the polling locations across this great nation, I say on behalf of my wife, my two sons and myself: Thank you.

In more partisan news: My entire family is stoked beyond belief that the candidate who has the mix of qualities that will return our nation to that of respect throughout this whole world once more emerged the victor in a historic race.

The first black President, the first democrat to win both the popular vote and electoral college since Jimmy Carter. Now that the color barrier has fallen in the highest level position you can hold in the free world, the last black President. This election has proven that it’s not about the color of your skin anymore. It’s about your ability to do the job of governing the greatest country the world has ever seen, and guiding her through triumph and adversity in a way befitting her stature.

President Elect Obama, the people have spoken. We believe in you, we trust in you and we’ve got your back to give you all the help you need to untarnish our country, don’t let us down.